My thoughts as the new year approaches

This year has been a trying one with many bumps in the road for me. I am stronger because of it, however I am definitely looking forward to the new year and what it brings. The idea of what could be gets me excited and makes me want to jump right into 2010. Bring it on, I am ready for the challenges and most of all for the happy times, I hope this year brings more laugh lines then I can handle. I am prepared for an amazing year!

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"Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb."

~ Sir Winston Churchill

Some things that make me happy

Waking up to my cat Ella giving me morning kisses.

Listening to my favorite Christmas songs.

Seeing the Christmas lights on the houses as I drive home at night.

The look on a childs face when they see something that amazes them and they can not contain there excitement.

a warm blanket on a cold night.

a big hug.

The sound of the rain on the roof.

My family and the constant love and support they show me on a daily basis.

My Nephew when he says Auntie Tawa - he can and does make everday of my life worth living, love that little man.

Holding a microphone and singing, fills my heart with ridiculous joy.

The quiet first thing in the morning before the day starts, it is still in the winter, and in the spring you can hear the sounds of the birds.

The feeling of the grass under my feet in the summer, it always feels so cool.

Laughter of any kind. It is contagious and we should hear more of it in our lives.

Long hot baths with a big glass of red wine.

Fresh flowers that brighten a whole room.

Hearing an awesome song that I can sing to at the top of my lungs come on the radio after a really long day!

to be cont.

Trust

Trust is a concept I used to be really great at. I would trust someone right away and not question. I now have reached the other end of the spectrum where I do not trust at all right away. I am learning that you need to put a little trust in someone or something, but also keep a clear head about it all. No one and no thing in your life is perfect, life and the people around you will let you down. That is reality. However I am learning to try and not let it all sour me to the person that I am. I am naturally a person that follows my heart, and I will do that continually throughout the course of my life. However I am also learning that I need to be more aware of my life and know when to put a hold on that trust in certain situations. It is a learning curve I think we all go through over and over again in life. It is not a bad thing, and I just need to find a certain balance with it all. Wearing my heart on my sleeve is part of what makes me who I am, and for that I am thankful. Life is short, I want to constantly embrace the moments. Some will make me laugh, some cry, but at the end of my amazing life, they will all be the things that made me who I am. In the words of one of my favorite poets Maya Angelou:

I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

It was raining

But.. she still ran over and kissed him like it was her last first kiss...

The only way to really know...

is to really let it go..

Let it all go, worries, stress, becuase at the end of the day it is all so small. This time of year really brings to my mind how selfish I can be. When I am brought to the reality that I have more then most people and should be thankful for it all and not always be wanting more. The simple things are what matters. I need to be more focused on those around me that are not as fortunate. I used to volunteer alot and now I find that I don't as much as I want. I give to the poor and goodwill, etc, however I really need to get back to volunteering my time again. That is my New Years resolution this year, to give back more. To be more selfless and more socially aware. To be the solution and not just another person that pretends to not see.

And then there was one...

It happened, this past Thanksgiving weekend, my brother surprised us all by proposing to his girlfriend. Sreela is so lovely and we all adore her, so this was fantastic news. However it did make me pout a bit as I am older and still have not found my life partner. I am not worried though, nor do I have any sense of urgency there. I understand timing in life is everything, and there is someone so special out there for me that it is worth the wait. Finding someone that can be a part of my crazy life and me be a part of theirs is going to be truly amazing. I see so many unhealthy relationships around me and I know that marriage is hard. I almost married the wrong man, and it would have ended in divorce. I am older and smarter now and know what it truly takes to make a relationship work. I don't need a man to make my life complete, I have a complete life. I want to have someone to share it with. A person that just adds to what I already have going on. Someone that brings something different to the table, that I can learn from as well as them learning from me.

All of this brings me to my new theme song. Yes, my Ally McBeal moments still happen.

Haven't met you yet: Michael Buble

I'm Not Surprised
Not Everything Lasts
I've Broken My Heart So Many Times,
I Stop Keeping Track.
Talk Myself In
I Talk Myself Out
I Get All Worked Up
And Then I Let Myself Down.

I Tried So Very Hard Not To Loose It
I Came Up With A Million Excuses
I Thought I Thought Of Every Possibility

And I Know Someday That It'll All Turn Out
You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid That I'll Give So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven't Met You Yet

Mmmmm ....

I Might Have To Wait
I'll Never Give Up
I Guess It's Half Timing
And The Other Half's Luck
Wherever You Are
Whenever It's Right
You Come Out Of Nowhere And Into My Life

And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing
And Baby Your Love Is Gonna Change Me
And Now I Can See Every Possibility

Mmmmm ......

And Somehow I Know That It Will All Turn Out
And You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid I'll Give So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven't Met You Yet

They Say All's Fair
And In Love And War
But I Won't Need To Fight It
We'll Get It Right
And We'll Be United

And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing
And Being In Your Life Is Gonna Change Me
And Now I Can See Every Single Possibility

Mmmm .....

And Someday I Know It'll All Turn Out
And I'll Work To Work It Out
Promise You Kid I'll Give More Than I Get
Than I Get Than I Get Than I Get

Oh You Know It'll All Turn Out
And You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid To Give So Much More Than I Get
Yeah I Just Haven't Met You Yet

I Just Haven't Met You Yet
Oh Promise You Kid
To Give So Much More Than I Get

I Said Love Love Love Love Love Love Love .....
I Just Haven't Met You Yet
Love Love Love .....
I Just Haven't Met You Yet

Thanksgiving

What a wonderful day with family! My brother surprising my mom was awesome and made me so happy to see her smile like that. It was a truly relaxing day full of laughs and catching up on life. I am thankful this year for wonderful family and amazing friends that make life so joyful. I am blessed to have a job, a place to live and so much to be grateful for. I will remember this time of year and always to keep in mind those that do not have all that I do. This is the time of year we notice the less fortunate more then ever. Lets try and be mindful of the world around us as we thank God for all that we have, may we also ask he be there for those that are not as blessed.

And it happened..

Death came knocking at her door. Today was the day she had been dreading for the last 6 months. She tried to tell herself it wouldn't happen, but she knew that unless some miracle happened that she would be staring death right in the face. Her heart raced knowing that from this moment on her life would change. Yes, it is true that the last 6 months her life had changed in more ways then she ever thought possible, but she knew that the finality of it all would be something that would affect her very core. The fear, anxiety and sadness all seemed to mix together and she felt like a switch, with her mood changing on a daily basis. Seeing her Nana dwindle was the hardest part of all of this. Once full of life and more energy then she sometimes had, her Nana always kept her guessing and was full of sweet surprises. To say she was inspiring would be an understatement, as the affects of the years we spent together are still present in my everyday life. But today, as she saw the laughing faces of family around the table that had seen so many womderful moments, she knew that only a floor away, her Nana was losing the battle. Of course Nana was going to be at peace, and most of all she was going to be with God. To her there was not better joy in death then to be with her maker. Her heart was true to her faith in ways that to this day amaze me. Even with her passing imminent her spirit was full. We all held hands as I heard the sound of her devotional CD in the background, my grandfather so gently touching her cheek, the love in his eyes more powerful then I have ever seen. Those moments seemed to pass so slowly. Hearing the words "she has passed on" and the sounds of our voices as we prayed the Our Father together as a family. Then the most beautiful combination of voices as we sang Amazing Grace as the matriarch or our beloved family finally was no longer in pain.

Peace

I had such a wonderful weekend. It started out with dinner with a really wonderful person and then off to North Conway with my best friend Heather on Saturday AM. We stayed Saturday night at the most beautiful place I have seen in a long time. The Mount Washington Hotel, it was so peaceful and beautiful up there, and seeing Mount Washington from the amazing wrap around porch was breathtaking. We sat on the couch in the gigantic lobby and had hot cider and chocolate chip cookies. It was the rest and relaxation I needed. I told Heather I definitely could get used to it. I had always wanted to stay there and it definitely lived up to the expectations and then some, all weekend I kept saying that I could not believe how beautiful it was. I want to get back there for a long weekend soon! Maybe next time I can take advantage of how romantic it really is :).

I had a deep tissue massage on Sunday which I desparately needed due to my back spasms. I think I am not sold on massages. It was really amazing. I am so glad I went. It was also great time to really connect with Heather. We don't always get good quality time together, so it was nice. Her husband was lovely to lend her to me! :)

Some pictures below:







I definitely needed to get away and regroup. It felt really nice to just be up there with the views and the fresh air. I love taking time to just enjoy what is around me, and you don't always get that with the day to day rush of life. I am thankful for those moments, becuase they really bring me back to what is important.

Decisions

Life is about decisions, sometimes we make the right ones, sometimes we make the wrong ones, however we need to own them. I have a hard time even when I feel it is right making the tough decisions in my life. There are so many things bouncing around in my head. I sometimes prevent making some decisions because I feel unsure. I know though if I listen to my heart and if I feel I am waivering then I probably know truly what I need to do.

I have to make a few decisions in my life over the next 6 months. Some of them will be a big change, and I am still deciding what that change will be and where it will lead me. I feel pulled at this point in my life to make some moves that I have wanted to for years and have feared doing. I want to step outside of my box a bit and feel a little unsafe. I know that in the long run my decision will be the best for me. If it isn't then I will know sooner then later and at least I will have learned something from it.

Time for me to take smoe chances.

This will be

This will be the day that I smile for you
the day I have worked all week for
This will be the day I stay awhile with you
in case we do not have this chance tomorrow

This will be the day I make peace with myself
instead of letting it bring me down
This will be the day I value love more then wealth
knowing the things that really matter

This will be the day I dance for no reason
even when music is not playing
This will be the day I enjoy the change in season
even when I need to have a sweater handy

This will be the day I let go again
knowing it is all that I can do
This will be the day I let it begin
even knowing there are no garuntees

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TF

The sweetest Trip

Just breath, that is all we can do somedays. Today is a sad day. Paul Morrell is being waked this evening. A man who was an inspiration to all but mostly a loving father and husband. Cancer has taken so many lives that had so much more living to do. I know there is a reason for everything that happens in life. However this is the second person I know that has died of cancer with young children. His wife is one of the strongest women and I know she will get through this. It is never a good time to lose your best friend and partner in life. Nothing prepares you for it, even though you know it is coming. I pray that Tahni and her children feel the peace of God in there lives. That there journey now that Paul is gone will be filled with love and blessings. Paul, may you find peace in your forever home, the angels are truly rejoicing your arrival. We will miss you on this earth, but know that you have touched us all.

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After I wake up, he will make me stand next to Him,
and, in my flesh, I shall see God.
The One I shall see shall be for me,
the One I shall look upon will not be a stranger.
~ Job

Tuna Fish and BBQ Chips

..Have brightened my day...

Tough Decisions

“Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach.” - Tim Robbins
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But what is my decision. The act of getting there is what makes it a harder journey. I am not going to lie, I am wishy washy when making decisions, I used to be so impulsive that now I think I fear making a decision because I am not sure if after making it I will feel the way I thought I would. I know that does not really make complete sense. However I fear maknig the wrong choice that I am not making any at all. I am just in limbo. I sit here in turmoil knowing where I think I am leaning, but not liking that outcome and wishing that I could turn the clock back a bit and see where my head was weeks ago before all of this. I want to feel that again, but I know there is not going back in life, we can only go forward and make the best choices we can. That being said, what is the best choice for me right now? Is it to follow my gut here not fully knowing how I feel, or to stay in this indecision a little longer til I feel completely at peace with whatever choice I make.
Decision are alot harder when you know you chance hurting someone or mulitple people. However I do know I have to do what is best for me in the end. I need to find peace with it and move forward. I do think more time is needed for me to truly know where I am going here. I know in the end I will have to make a choice and stick to it, I need to not second guess myself and hope that I have done what is best for my life and where it is going. It is a scary place to be, but this is life. We have to make the tough choices and never look back, but learn from them all. I feel I have come a long way with acceptance in regards to my past and I have a positive outlook on my future.

When in doubt, leave it out

That is what she said folks. Sure she was referring to being in 7th grade and it had something to do with commas, however obscure, it does pertain to alot in life. I am in a strange place right now with my feelings. Not sure where to move, I guess if I played chess it would compare to when you need to make a strategic move. I don't know what I am going to do. Not sure what decision lays ahead for me with this. However I do know I am not happy with my feelings, or lack there of at the moment. I need to allow some time to go by before I will know how I am feeling. I hate the waiting stage, however it is what is necessary here. I also do not like hurting anyone if I can help it. However that is what life does, sometimes we hurt people we care about the most. I think this time I am going to make sure I know completely before I make my next move.

Cold Season

Yes, I have a full blown head cold! YAY. It is so fun, I can not even tell you how much I love being on the train when I forgot tissue and trying to not make that nasty sound when you are trying to sniffle. Becuase I know I hate when people near me do that. It was a very long train ride.

I hate being sick when I am only a month into my new job and it is very stressful. I have so much to do and just want to be in bed. At least I have had down night and just gone home to my couch. I have alot on my mind this week to, just life and stuff, and it has been maknig this week not go any smoother for me. I know it will all be much better when I finally feel better. I am just hoping I will be better for the weekend and get to relax a bit.

I am doing my best not to infect others with my cold. Once the kids start school, the roads get crowded and the colds start spreading. I will ride this one out and hopefully this will be my cold of the season.

Daily commute

Sometimes when she is on the train there is a song on her ipod that just makes her smile while at the same time the book she is reading takes her to a fairytale world, In that moment she lets out a sigh and realizes that it is in these moments that she feels the peace and the joy that sometimes alludes her during her crazy day of answering emails, and scheduling meetings. It allows her to take in the serenity, even when the tall man behind her keeps banging into her and his armpit smell from holding the pole is not at all like the smell of roses. The music allows her to forget where she is and even where she is going. It is the soundtrack in that moment. The solace she needs to finally feel herself again.

Oh Maine! You wonderful piece of heaven on earth!

Tomorrow night after work A and I will take the 5 hour journey to one of the most peaceful places. Moosehead Lake is once again calling my name. The best thing about this year is that I will be bringing him for the first time. I am also really looking forward to seeing Heather and getting to spend some time with her. Also having them get to know each other means the world to me as they are both two extemely important people in my life.

I can not wait and will definitely report back upon my return.

All things must come to an end

"The key to change... is to let go of fear.” Rosanne Cash

Today ends my 3 years at a wonderful company, and tomorrow starts a new adventure. Although I will be doing the same thing the environment will be different. I am ready for a new challenge, new people and new experiences. I will go boldly into this new role with confidence and look at the past 3 years as growth. Change is good, it keeps us on our toes and allows us to grow even more.

She's from Boston

Its the weekend once again. A few things I am excited about!

1. Finally getting my hair cut and highlighted tonight. It has been since May and it is driving me mad. I need to look great when I start my new job.

2. Wearing jeans on a Friday is SO nice. I know, the little things excite me, what can I say

3. Tomorrow is the Kenny Chesney concert, with a ton of my favorite artist. huge group tailgating to get the party started, then a day full of amazing sunshine and music. Does it get any better?

4. Sunday A is meeting my mother for the first time. My mom is my best friend and I am beyond excited to introduce them.

and mostly I am just happy that is it a weekend full of sunshine, laughter, music, and people I love. Life is truly what you make it. I am chosing to make every day the best it can be.

Customer Service is DEAD!

I can't even get into the whole story here, however the fact that customer service is so bad lately really makes me angry. What ever happened to taking care of the customer, to making them feel valued and respected. I know that I value treating people with respect and always making them feel they are important. I hardly ever get mad, and this last week I have been beyond angry with BOCH Toyota and how they have been treating me. The fact that as I write this I am on hold because I can not get ANY answers from anyone on what is going on with my registration is beyond upsurd. I am sick to my stomach and really just want this resolved so that I can get on with my life. I honestly have never been treated so badly in my life.

August already?

Here it is, the first week in August. I can't believe the summer has flown by. Although at this point I should expect it, it always tends to fly by. This year though with all the rain we got it did not really feel like summer til about a month ago.

I have to say though, regardless of the weather being not the best through July, I have had by far the best summer to date. Wonderful friends and family and the addition of a wonderful person to share it all with. I always thought that life was about the simple joys and now more then ever I know it is true. The best things in life can not be bought with money, they can only be shared with those we truly love. The things that in the end will enrich our lives are the moments we have and the memories we make. Life is this wonderful journey, and knowing what really matters and taking the time to stop and enjoy those things is what will keep us happy and healthy. My outlook on life has been drastically changed over the last few months, and I think for the better. I know that my future will be full of endless blessings and these will help the hard times not feel so hard. I have learned to enjoy my today's and to breath it all in.

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You have succeeded in life when all you really want is only what you really need. ~Vernon Howard

Shes shiney and red and ALL MINE

I did it. I went car shopping yesterday and soon bring home my fabulous new car. I wanted another hatchback but ended up with a 2010 Toyota Camry. She is BEAUTIFUL and rides like a dream. I guess this is officially my first grown up car. It only took me til 33. I needed to get a car that would maintain its value. I loved my hatchback and it was really good to me, however now was the time for something that can go the long haul with me. Who knows where the next 5 years will lead and having something that will keep up with me is a great thing.

Of course not loving that I have another car loan, however that is life, and in the end it is all worth it.

I can not wait to pick her up and break her in with some good tunes, me singing and the windows rolled down.

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“I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.”

Sometimes..

It takes one person in your life for you to finally see the beauty in yourself. One person believing in you and loving who you are completely and with all your faults. I think for the first time I understand more then I ever have what unconditional love is. To feel that who I am is more then enough is a blessing. I am indeed fortunate.

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"If I know what love is, it is because of you."

Lemon pie inspired

So my very lovely friend Sarah just inspired me with her post on her blog

http://sarahcookson.blogspot.com/2009/07/lets-get-rich-and-build-our-house-on.html">

and I have to say I agree with it completely. Unlike Sarah I have lived with men in the past and I did live with my ex fiance. I did not have to live with any of the men in my past to know how it would or would not work. Moving out from living with my ex was the toughest thing ever. I knew it was right and that we could not be together because it was a terribly unhealthy relationship. I am now with someone that makes me see what something beautiful can be like and I think we are on the path to a amazing relationship. I know in my heart if it worked out that I would not live with him either before we were married. As Sarah so sweetly puts in your blog "but most of all right now we will dream about the days when we don’t have to leave, or say i miss you and when we can wake up every morning next to our favorite person ever."

Thank you Sarah for that beautiful post and for knowing that your love right now is solid and that the dreams of waking every morning to each other is such a blessing til the day you say I do.

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“I never thought it was worth it, you know waiting for your love, and then I felt your kiss, I could wait forever for this”

Making a commitment

This week I have been thinking alot of discipline and making a commitment to something. I sadly have never been good at committing fully to something that I truly want. Not sure if it is the incessant fear of failure that follows me around, or the fear of what if I do succeed. I think of that alot this week because I am trying to set some clear personal goals for myself. I know that it is a matter of making the decision, making a set list of things that I need to do to go along with that goal and making an effort EVERY day to stick to that. I need to stop the excuses, because clearly that is all they are. They are the roadblocks that get in our way. I always say I get in my own way, and that is true on so many fronts. I find that I like to sabotage what I am doing for me, and I like to find as many excuses for it as I can. The truth is, there are none. The only reason is me. We need to take a conscious look at ourselves and say why have I not accomplished this? It can be a simple goal of cleaning your apartment, or losing that last 10 pounds, or even as simple as sending that card that you keep meaning to. Honestly I am doing that this week, learning to put some things first, some things that are truly really important to how I feel about myself when I look in the mirror. Sometimes we need to put oursevles first, and not let our own fear or lack of discipline get in the way. I need to be truly happy and at peace with who I am and to get there, I need to focus on a few things. First is learning discipline and sticking to it.

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“Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishment.”

Somewhere I have never traveled

somewhere i have never travelled

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience, your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully, mysteriously) her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the colour of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands


e. e. cummings

Weekend wanderings

I had an amazing weekend. Friday night was spent making dinner with my guy and playing a pretty mean game of scrabble. Of course he won AGAIN, but this time only by 4 points, so it was a good game. We got up bright and early to head to Moore State Park in Paxton. It was a gorgeous morning and we definitely found a great place to spend it.





We then ventured off and had some ice cream and made a stop at my sisters where they were finishing up a yard sale.

Sunday started off bumping as I had this headache that did not want to go away. So I stayed low key in the am knowing that I had tickets to see Susan Tedeschi that night. A came over and we went to the new Fours that opened in Norwell and had a yummy dinner, then we headed off to South Shore Music Circus. The show was of course amazing. Shemekia Copeland opened for her and that lady can sing. I mean it was out of control how soulful her voice was. I am always in awe when I see Susan because she has this soft speaking voice and this insane power when she sings. I had such a nice night. Of course, not it is back to work today, AND it is raining again. This has been the most rain I have seen in one month. I am just hoping we get some sort of summer this year.

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Wonderful Birthday Weekend

I had a wonderful birthday weekend. Started out with some good friends for dinner and drinks on Saturday. Sunday I spent the afternoon at my sisters for Fathers day and my actual birthday. It was so nice, and they had my favorite.. Ice cream cake! YUMMO! The funniest thing was that I had taken a hot dog and had it on my plate while I was getting my hot dog roll ready, and when I look down it is gone. I look around and my father starts laughing, I look over to my left and my nephew Isaac was double fisted, he had his half eaten hot dog in one hand and mine with a bite out of it in his right hand. We all could not stop laughing. Isaac loves his food, I think that was one of 4 hot dogs he had that day. Man that boy can eat. I ended up staying over since I was going to the Aquarium on my day off with my sister and Isaac. Turns out we should have built an ark. We were soaked by the time we got back to the car to head home, and you can see the little sleeping man on this blog, he was wiped out from his trip.

I am really thankful for all those in my life. I know I am beyond blessed. I feel so loved and cared for. This birthday was really special to me, this past year has been one of self discovery for me that still continues and I am sure will for a long time. I have found a peace inside and a new sense of what is truly important in life. Love in its many forms is what keeps my heart in check. Learning to allow the goodness into my life and to know that it is here for a reason and to not look for the negative in it. So many things to look forward to this next year and I am really excited about it. To all my friends and family thank you. FB, thanks for making this year even more special! You truly rock!

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“And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.” Abraham Lincoln

Is it the rain.. the lack of sleep..?

Ugh.. not sure what it is. I am beat, a long week and a few late nights have caught up with my normally jovial self to put me in an end of week funk. Should have been in bed at 9 last night, but after playing with my cats so they would not drive me absolutely bonkers again, I laid in bed and just stared at the ceiling, all sorts of things running through my mind. Anxiety was crazy, and I dont think there was one thing that was driving that for me. I just felt overwhelmed with some things, and I think allowed myself to dwell on thoughts that are idiotic. I know we all have our days and moments, so I am just trudging through this hoping it passes.

This is my birthday weekend. I turn 33 on Sunday. It is also Fathers day which always puts a pit in my stomach. I would love to have a relationship with my dad that others envy, however that was just never in the cards for me and my siblings. I know that I will always love him becuase he gave me the gift of life, however that is where it ends and it makes me sad. Especially when I have to share my birthday every few years with that day when most are celebrating there dad and how wonderful he was. Dont get me wrong, my father had moments when we were younger, but it saddens me to no end that he is just not someone I want to be around. I know I should just see it as being something that is, however it is hard.

So on top of another year older and it always bumming me out a bit, I have that as another thing to deal with. I will enjoy time at my sisters on my birthday, but with my father there it will feel a little stressful as well. I will try and focus on the positive and seeing my nephew will be awesome too.

I am however looking forward to tomorrow night and getting to celebrate my birthday with some awesome friends. I love the people around me and in my life. They always remind me of just how lucky I am.

Don't get me wrong, I may be in a funk today and feeling a bit crappy, but my life is great. I have really amazing family and friends, someone special to share my birthday with this year. Overall life is really good. So, I will get through this rainy day and spend the evening with some retail shoe therapy and all will be well with the world.

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i carry your heart with me by E. E. Cummings

Simply put, I love this poem. It has always been a favorite, then it was in a movie "In Her Shoes" and I just love the simple way it was written. Such a beautiful poem with great meaning.

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i carry your heart with me
by E. E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Happy Birthday Mom!

Today is my Mothers birthday! The strongest most amazing women I know. She is not only my mother she is my best friend and my rock. She makes me laugh so hard that I snort and can drive me completely batty as well. Today I celebrate her and her life. She has come a long way, and been through a lot to get where she is now. She amazes me daily with her character and there is no limit to her selflessness. I can only aspire to be the women that she is today. The beautiful strong lady that I look up to.

So mom, Happy Birthday. I hope the year ahead fills you will all the happiness and joy that you deserve. Thank you for being a role model and loving me completely no matter what. I honor you today, and everyday for making me who I am.

I love you!

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"My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune." ~Graycie Harmon

Funky mood

I woke up today in a bit of a funky mood. Feeling a bit down, however I think it is in part due to all the feelings I have lately. I have been on such a high and so excited about my life and path. I think sometimes when that happens I am due to feel a bit unsteady. To question if I truly deserve it all. I know deep down that I do, that all this has been coming for awhile. I deserve to live a full and happy live. It feels lately like everything is falling into place for me. I am content with my life, and find such a wonderful peace in that. I have amazing friends and family in my life, I am living in a drama free one that is awesome. There are all sorts of reasons for me to thank God for all I have. I wont let my self doubt ruin what is a great start to a wonderful summer for me. So many things to be thankful for today and always. I will get through this feeling and enjoy the moments that are coming. New beginnings make me unbelievably happy.

Beauty

This truly made me smile, and continues to.

The reason I sing

I discovered on Saturday at my gig one of the main reasons I sing. The reason making music brings me such joy. I was walking out of the women's room and saw this women looking around, and I said "Tahni". She said "oh my god, Tara". It was amazing to see her there of all places. Tahni is going through a really tough time right now. Her husband Paul has cancer and is not doing well. It has been a long and tough road for them, with lots of prayer coming from the community. Her friends had surprised her with taking her out to dinner and then some dancing. Tahni needed it, she needed to be able to get out and laugh and have a great time with her girlfriends. It was amazing to me to see her smiling, and it brought me so much joy. The next set I sang "Don't Stop Believing" and after dedicated it to her. She is truly a strong women, and seeing her touch her heart after I sang it made me realize what a gift God had given me. You see, when I saw her before the set, she said her friends gave her a crown that said "Believe". I think God works in such wonderfully mysterious ways. He truly touches me when he makes me stop and thank him for the gift of song, for being able to touch others and to feel that I have a purpose.

Music

I love to sing, everything about lyrics and a great melody move me in ways I have never experienced. I had an amazing gig on Saturday night. I felt more alive up there then I have in a long time. I was confident and felt so amazing. I think it has to do with my life lately. I am truly, uniquivicabbly happy. Are there things that could change? Sure, but overall I am really enjoying everyday, even when it has challenges. I feel stronger emotionally then I ever have and I am open to this crazy world. I am not going to let it bring me down and I will continue to trudge through when I have to and enjoy the moments when I feel completely at peace with myself.

This is such a precious gift we are given. We need to embrace the good that we are given and allow it to help us filter through the not so good. I am learning more and more to do that and it makes me happier then I think I have ever been in life. Wow, I never thought I would say that, but I am happier then I have ever been. This is a great place to be.

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"Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact."

Oh Summertime, my sweet love

Summer you call to me all year long, and when you saunter in and your light shines through my window I hear the birds sing. The world seems to move more, peoples laughter bounces off building walls and into my living room as I sit on my couch and feel the breeze that often comes with early June. You call me to walk by the ocean and feel that air that when it touches my face makes me feel alive. I want to take my shoes off and feel the cool blades of grass as they tickle the bottom of my feet. I want to walk to the edge of the water and feel the cold as it touches my toes. Life seems so much sweeter this time of year. I think perhaps that is what makes my birthday and turning another year older not so bothersome to me. Somehow the magic of June makes me feel 5 again. It turns the days longer and time seems to stand still. I am in love with you Summer, you are the season that God chose for me to become a part of this world. You will always be close to my heart. We are connected, and I feel the renewal every year when you approach. I am like a child at Christmas when I know you are arriving, I want to wake up early and greet you. I cherish the memories of the summer all year long and it gets me through the cold and dark times. So sweet summer, we will have many wonderful moments this year, and I will carry them in my pocket when the fall enters and my sweaters come out of hybernation.

Today

Today I caught myself smiling for no reason... then I realized I was thinking about you.

Thoughts on online dating

So I have done the online dating thing off and on for a while. I met my ex there, and yes, the one before that. I have definitely seen it evolve into what appears to sometimes be an online bar scene. There are people on there to hook up, to play games just as you would find at any bar in Boston or your hometown. Then there are people like me who truly want to find just one person to share my life with. There is that cliche saying "it just takes one". I truly believe that there is someone out there to share my days with. However being online you have to really make sure you have your radar on. That you can hone in on the ones that are real and honest. There are times we can have the wool pulled over our eyes.

I am extremely passionate person and tend to feel things pretty intensely. However as of late have learned to allow myself time to get to know someone. I think that is the key to finding the person I am meant to be with. Take the time to truly get to know them and see if you honestly click. If there is something there worth building on. This has been an amazing lesson for me, and I think I am doing a great job of putting it into practice.

The only issue for me that has always been hard with online dating is you never know if they are seeing other people etc. When do you decide to just see each other and date and see where it goes? This is a fine line. I think though when you know you have a good person in front of you, you should focus on getting to know them and seeing if there is a future there. Sometimes to many things in the air can lead to confusion. However like I said this is where the line gets fuzzy. No one wants to bring up that convo and you just want to have it happen naturally. Not always easy. Because honestly if you met at a bar or through a friend, you would not know if they were dating other people unless they told you anyway.

I think most of all the key is to keep a clear head, and remember who you are as a person without someone in your life. Hold onto that person always, and be clear on what you need and want in life. I believe I will attract into my life the right person for me and that confidence is a great thing to have.

Happy dating friends (although most of you are either married or practically married) :)

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"Nobody will think you're somebody if you don't think so yourself."

Some pics: Bar Harbor/Heathers wedding

Peaceful and relaxed

I went on vacation last Thursday to Bar Harbor Maine. It was to be a part of my friend Heather and Matts wedding. From the moment we saw our cabin in the woods, my mother and I were instantly relaxed. The walk we took down to the beach was magical, and seeing the view from the rocks of the water brought such a sense of peace. I needed to get away, I was letting the stress of life start to get to me a bit. Being out in nature, and celebrating my two friends decision to spend forever together made me realize all the little things in life that matter. It was truly a beautiful weekend and I come back with a renewed spirit. I am ready for the challenges and know that in life we really do not need to sweat the small stuff.

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Written thoughts from this weekend:

There is something so magical about the way the ocean hits the rocks. It covers them like a new mother would swaddle their child. It washs them and leaves a glistening film of water. The way the sunset dances off the beads of water is enchanting. I am amazed at this beautiful earth, the magic that God created. I believe this is what makes the hard days not seem so bad, makes the sadness we have felt in life find solace. For me the ocean has always been that escape. It wraps me in its wonder. Not many things in life have left me speechless, but these moments have a tendency of doing that to me.

Good Karma

My friend and I were just discussing good karma and how we believe if you do good things in your life it does eventually come back to you. I know for me it did this weekend, with my car having issues and it still being under my warranty. Then to be given a loaner that only had 300 miles on it. I think it was because I am always nice to customer service people and understand what it is like to be in that type of job. I think that if more people were nicer to others they would see that in general people will respond better to you when you are treating them well.

This weekend was so nice. I got out to see my friends cover band "Red Square" play the battle of the cover bands at Olivers Nightclub at the Cask & Flagon. My band could unfortunately not be there as my other singer is on a cruise! So I was glad I could get these guys in there. They are great people and came in second, so that made me really happy. Saturday was spent with my sister after dropping my car off for service. It was really nice to spend a day with her alone. We have not had a chance to do that since Isaac was born 2 years ago. I adore that boy, but Ruth and I had a wonderful time. We had some breakfast then went shopping for a dress she needs for a wedding in June. I am amazed at how well we get along now compared to growing up. I think I just realize more how much I adore my family. My sister is great, we are different, but we can celebrate those differences more now. I had plans that evening with FB, and again had another great time. He is just really easy to be around. I truly enjoy getting to know him. Sunday was spent rehearsing some new songs for the next gig and then the supermarket and pure vegging which was definitely needed.

I am no gearing up to head to Bar Harbor Maine on Thursday with my mother for my best friends wedding that I am in. I am beyond excited. It will be really nice to get away and my Mom is really looking forward to the vacation. We both need it. We have a cabin at the base of the park and are looking forward to morning coffee hikes right from the back yard. I am sure it will be an exhausting weekend, but overall lots of smiles and celebrating Heather and Matt's love. What could be better then being a part of someones future?

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"The story of a love is not important - what is important is that one is capable of love. It is perhaps the only glimpse we are permitted of eternity." Helen Hayes

Today is what matters

So, tomorrow is there, waiting in the wings for me, but I think I will just enjoy today, this moment, sitting at my desk at work. Instead of working I am blogging right now. Blogging about nothing in particular and yet everything all at once. My mind sometimes feels like it is in overdrive, that I constantly have some thought or process going on. Sometimes I just like to stop. This time of year is so good for that. Take my rollerblades down to castle island, or the canal on the cape and just go, feel the wind on my face, enjoy watching the people pass around me, and hearing children laugh. Taking a moment to sit on the wall at the beach and listen to the ocean as the waves come in. It makes me remember the reason I live in New England and can survive through our aweful winters here. I remember it all on one sunny day, when all I can do is smile and think of how beautiful it is. Seeing the first flowers bloom, the trees start to bud. It truly is amazing how the seasons come upon us. I am glad that today is Friday, for many reasons. It is 5 days closer to my long weekend in Bar Harbor for my best friends wedding. It is hours closer to breakfast with my sister and some shopping. It represents time to relax. However right now, as I write this, I am truly as I say most days thankful to be alive, and fully present in my life. To recognize that the stress in everyday proves to be what truly strengthens me and allows me the clarity to see the things in my life that are truly beautiful. We are all given a gift in life, to be able to take the bad and to celebrate in the good. I hope I never stop learning the lessons that make me who I am, and I pray that I will only enjoy this roller coaster for what it is. This journey that I have ahead of me will be one that I am sure will bring me sorrow, and so many joyful moments.

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Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired.
~ Mother Teresa

Be

Be The change you want to see in the world

Smile on the world and it will smile back on you

Two thoughts that are floating around my mind today. Be the change.. what does that mean? I assume like all things that it means something different to everyone. To me, it means be the person that I want others to be, behave the way I would want others to behave to me. It reminds me to not be a person that says one things and then does the complete opposite. It is just a good phrase to keep in my mind on a daily basis. Smile on the world kind of fits into that category as well. I believe what we put out into this world we will get back. Not sure if it is karma I believe in or just that simple fact that if we are truly good people to our earth and those who are in it, then how can we not on some level get that goodness back. I would like to believe that although we go through hard times in life that all of it is part of a much bigger picture and that it all leads to the happiness that we deserve. Sometimes I think we are supposed to have moments of sadness and disappointment. Otherwise we truly would not appreciate all that we have.

I think that the world is a constant learning expierence. You never know what you will get from day to day, and most of it leaves us with more tools for our journey. It is indeed a beautiful journey.

The truth

Been a while since I posted something written, this interestingly enough was written on the train this AM. Glad I am now carrying around a notebook.

The Truth:

Tell me, let me know
The thoughts inside your mind
The words they always vary
But the message remains the same

Teach me, help me understand
That inner space you keep locked
I hear you calling out to me
But the wall wont let me in

Believe in me, in my heart
It has been there before
My walls not as high
Your secrets are safe with me

Tell me the truth
I am here to catch you

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Loving who you are

I learned something last night from a person that I actually saw a lot of myself in. Beauty, is truly in who you are as a person, what you bring into this world. I am a beautiful person. I get in my own way by trying to bring myself down and think that I am not. I have such a spirit in me, and love for the people in my life. I am capable of anything. I am a loving, trustworthy person that will do anything for those that I care about. I know this through and through. I need to feel that I deserve the same from all people. I am on my path. I want to share my life with others that know how to laugh, love, smile through the bad times. I want to surround my world with goodness as much as possible.

I woke this am to music. I watched a movie that ever song had an emotional connection to what was going on. I feel that is how I am with music. I love lyrics, and I could listen to one song over and over again if I feel pulled to what is being said. It is a natural drug to me. It fills my soul and makes me smile from the inside out. Sometimes an amazing song can just make me sob, and that to is really healthy. Where would I be in this life without the people I love and the power of a melody, or a pen to paper. The power of a song to guide my steps.

I am thankful for new friends and old friends. I am unbelievably hopeful today of all that is in my future. I believe, and that give me all I need.

The sunshine and other thoughts in my mind

What a beautiful day it is out there. Of course I say this while staring out the glass window of my office. It was nice to not have to wear a jacket today and it always seems people are so much happier when the sun is shining.

Life is changing all around me. Everytime I see my nephew he is taller, smarter, and of course cuter. It is amazing how he had developed. He is probably one of the most tender boys I know. Recently when we were at the circus with him last week while sitting on my mothers lap he turned he face to her and smiled as he gentley touched her cheek. I definitely started tearing up. It is so loving, and to see him just stop to look at his nana that way. It also made me look at my mother differently. We have become so close these past few years and I am so thankful for that. However somehow Ruth Marie having Isaac changed us all inside. I feel closer to my sister and my entire family since we have been blessed with him. He puts hope in my heart when sometimes I don't have it. I can be having a bad day and talk to my sister on the phone and she has him say "Hi Auntie Tara" and it changes my mood instantly. He is our little angel. I look at him and can not imagine how much I will love my own child someday. The love I have to Isaac overflows.

We as a family are blessed. I only hope to someday know the joy of motherhood and to share that with an amazing man. It is all out there for me, within my reach. I know I am ready for it when it does finally get here.

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Children make you want to start life over. ~Muhammad Ali

Because I have to say this

Old Friend,

I had been thinking about the email you sent in January. I wish I was heartless and could say that this does not still hurt me emmensely to read. That hearing you say the things that you did makes me angry. I have always been there for you, through your heartbreaks in life, been supportive when you had issues with your family etc. However in life no one is perfect, and we all can not be the friend you want 100% of the time. That is just how it goes.

For you to throw in the towel because I expressed anger and disappointment on things that were done is sad. I think in the long run something you will regret doing. I really believe that you made a HUGE mistake with the email you sent me. I was beyond hurt and if you truly wanted to end a friendship that lasted as long as ours, to email was really sad. I feel it made it seem like it was not a hard thing for you to do. That I was easy to discard.

I honestly in my heart would like to think that someday we will be in each others lives again, that the women I loved so dearly is in there somewhere, and realizes that throwing away the kind of friendship we had was a mistake, however I dont believe that is true right now.

I think about you a few times a week and still read your blog. I wish you nothing but the best in life, and will always miss the girl that I caused trouble with in my 20s and grew into a women with. That women I will always cherish and hold close to my heart.

~ Tara

Easter and saying goodbye

This weekend was bitter sweet for me. Saturday night my band played and it was also a going away party for my brother. He leaves on Friday to head to Arizona for school and I will miss him. I know he will only be gone for a little while, but I will miss him. He has never lived out of state, so this will be new to me. I am used to having my immediate family here. It is so strange to not have them all here now.

It was nice to surprose him. Overall it was a wonderful night. Then we spent Easter at my moms. She made a delicious Lasagna and a roast chicken. It was so good to spend time with the family. My nephew is getting so big and I just adore him.

Over all things are looking up lately. I feel refreshed and look forward to an amazing Spring and Summer.

Traffic Light Lyrics

Oh yes my friends it is now another installment of "I love these lyrics". I just downloaded on Monday The Ting Tings album and I am in L O V E.. love. So fun. But the lyrics to there song traffic light I adore. I think it is extremely clever and wish I had thought of it!

Traffic Light

don't you be a traffic light
don't you be a traffic light
with all things said
you turn to red
don't you be a traffic light

don't you be a round-a-bout
not another round-a-bout
we've come so far
yet back to the start
don't you be a round-a-bout

oh now baby don't miss read the signs
if you turn the key then things will turn out fine

lets not have a break down
not another breakdown
you're on your own a long way from home
lets not have a breakdown

don't miss read the signs
if you had just turned the key
then things would have turned out fine

you're pushing me, you're breaking
over taking me you're racing
first placing me not chasing me back home

don't let me down

Today

The best thing about this day was waking up to the sounds of birds chirping. Just when I can not take another moment of Winter, in walks spring with a smile and I feel renewed. Okay, so it is still really chilly, but feeling the warmth of the sun on my face yesterday was so wonderful and it brought the promise of the flowers and definitely made me just want to drive around in my car all day. I took the long way everywhere and did not rush. I guess you could say yesterday I was definitely a Sunday driver!

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“Sitting quietly, doing nothing, spring comes, and the grass grows by itself”

Maya Angelou = Smart woman

So my friend Heather shared this with me today and I needed to post it. It made me smile. Sometimes people say things we need to hear, even though we know, seeing it written down or spoken tends to bring it back to the front of our minds again.

From Maya Angelou:

'I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow only if you want it to be.'

'I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: weather, respect and lost luggage.'

'I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life . It is then you realize that no one can ever love and care for you more than they do. And that no one can ever replace them. I wish they were with me now!

'I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as 'making a life.'

'I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. So don't make the same mistakes again '

'I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back..'

'I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.'

'I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.'

'I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.'

'I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.'

'I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel , especially your loved ones .'

Because I can

I can do anything I put my mind to, I just sometimes choose not to. Why? That is a question I ask myself alot. Why do I sell myself short, why do I avoid all the things I should be doing, or I could be doing to make my life even better. I think we all know the answer to this. It is this HUGE fear of failure. We all have it, it follows us around like a cloud. Its the voice that says "Tara, you know that you are not smart enough to do that, so why try". The side of you that believes gets bombarded by these negative thoughts and we allow it to keep us from our true potential.

I think many times during the day why I am not accomplishing certain things in my life that I desire. I think now I am just truly trying to find the right way to approach getting over those negative thoughts.

It is the same in all areas of my life. Working out, eating, dating. I know I can lose the weight, it just takes discipline, it is only a little bit of extra weight, but it is a crutch. I know I can eat healthier, but MAN does that cookie look good, I will start tomorrow. I know I am a woman of worth and should date men that can truly value me as a whole, however sometimes I feel I am not good enough. Time to conquor some of these fears, learn to rise about them and to take control of my choices and my actions.

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"If my mind can conceive it, and my heart can believe it, I know I can achieve it.” - Jesse Jackson

In Memory: Jill Moran (Collins)

Last night was the wake for Jill Moran. Jill was a 43 year old mother to four children under the age of 13 and amazing wife To Chris Moran. I met Jill when I was 14 years old. I was involved in a camp in high school and she was on the staff. Jill was the most joyful person that I have ever met to date. She had this smile that was contagious, her eyes would sparkle and her laughter could make any ones day. You could not be around her and not be thankful for every moment. Unfortunately I had not seen Jill in years, however she was the kind of person that you never forget. When you hear her name you would smile and remember a moment. For me I remember vividly toilet papering her house when I was in high school. Chris and her has just moved in and it was a tradition that you had to do something to someones house to christian it. It was a great night and she just laughed at the whole thing.

I think last night what amazed me the most was the love that her husband had in his eyes. He said to me that he was lucky to be married to her and have his best friend around. He was saying that it always amazed him how at the end of the day he used to still get excited coming home to her, and he would kiss and hug her as much as he could. To see that kind of amazing love really touched my heart. Also made me realize that is what I am holding out for as well.

The man lost his best friend and mother to his children, however feels blessed to have had the time to love her.

Rest in Peace Jill, your spirit will be missed by all who's path you crossed in life. However it will not be forgotten. You were a gift to this earth. Your children will grow up to be a reflection of you.

Friday and the first day of spring

Oh how I love Fridays, don't you? But today is also the first day of spring. I love that word.. spring. It just makes me want to take my shoes off and walk through the grass in my barefeet. To bad it is in the 30s today. *laugh*

Well bring on the sun. Come on, I dare you. I want to see the leaves bud and flowers bloom. I want to know that on a Saturday afternoon I can eat brunch outside and truly forget what the inside of my apartment looks like.

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It was one of those March days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold: when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade.
~ Charles Dickens

The Pursuit of anything

Is always a winding road. Sometimes there are detours, stop signs, and then there is always the yeild to incoming traffic. We can chose to walk, ride, drive, but that road is always there, it separates us from where we are and where we want to be. The distance can be a few blocks to thousands of miles. The directions are sometimes great and other times our GPS has us going all over the place. There are pit stops along the way for food, restrooms and those random stores or sites we just have to see. At the end though, we do reach our final destination and find that it was absolutely worth the ride.

This strange new feeling

I definitely have to say, that I have never felt this way. I am so calm and so relaxed about life. Most people in my life know me pretty well as I have a close group of friends. They know me to be extremely analytical. I am always thinking or worrying about something. I tend to overanalyze things to death, to the point of ruining things sometimes. However lately I have a sense of peace about it all.

Also lately when I find myself freaking out about something or over analyzing it, I have different ways that I stop doing it. It is amazing how good it feels to kind of just let things happen. Sure we need answers from time to time, but lately when I give it time, normally the answer makes itself known.

This is a totally different place for me to be. However I have never felt such a sense of peace about my life and my path. I also feel blessed that as bad as the world seems and the economy crashing around us that I can feel this way.

Lets hope this trend in my life continues.

Bring on the dress

So, normally I look at my horroscopes just for laughs. We all know they are not true, alas today I read one that was more of a common sense one to me.

It reads:

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride (or groom). Maybe you'll never get married, so what? Stop obsessing on it. You'll talk yourself into a negativity frenzy if you don't lay off yourself. Better of being ever single than committing for the wrong reasons.

That is so great, as this week has been one where I am actually good being single. I know, some of my girlfriends are laughing at this point, however it is SO true. Now don't misunderstand me, I want to have a man in my life. However the RIGHT man. I dont want to keep going after the wrong ones. I also dont want to keep making dating mistakes.

I have had some wonderful men in my life, and some that have not been so wonderful in the long run. I am now ready to be 100% myself and own my life, and I think that opens a totally new door for the right man to walk in.

Lets just say I am happy with who I am, and where I am heading in life. If a wonderful man decides to join this journey! Well he is more then welcome, if he can keep up *laugh*

Seriously, He's just not that into you

OKAY! So I did it. I saw the movie a few weekends ago with some friends, and I found myself cringing at some of the things I learned. I gave in and I bought the book and literally read it in a day and a half.

I have fallen victim to many of the things in the book and it made me sad, but also made me more self aware then I have ever been. It brought clarity to the patterns that I have seen in my dating life.

The truth is if he is not calling you, not calling in advance to make plans, and just acting really laid back about it all, he is *gulp* just not that into you. I know, many of you are thinking, I am a great catch, why is he not that into you *laugh*. Well I have unfortunately always thought I was the exception to the rule, but I am in fact the rule.

I am worth the effort and I am worth having someone put that extra time into. I feel that I give back more then they could imagine when I feel that I am being treated the way I deserve. I let myself be a bit of a doormat, and I make the excuses i.e. His last gf was a real jerk and hurt him, so he just needs time or He has a hard time opening up, I just need to be patient. Well the truth is we have all been hurt, I have had my fair share of cry sessions on the phone with my friends. We need to leave the past where it is or else we lose out on what could be a wonderful moment in our lives.

At the end of the day if someone thinks you are worth the time and effort they will do it. If they think spending time with you is important, they will make sure they get on your calendar.

I know some of this may sound bitchy, however I think at the end of the day, I dont get the effort I feel I put in. I lay it all on the line when I really like someone, and I think that in return, I should spend my time with someone that will lay it all on the line for me.

I am worth it, and the right man will know that someday! :)

Lent, and giving more

Yesterday was a start of a very special time for Christians. It was Ash Wednesday and that starts the lenten season. Of course it is also when many will give something up. I thought long and hard about what to give up. However I kept coming back to the fact that for me it is not hard to give something up, it is harder for me to dedicate to the things I want to commit too.

So instead of giving up this year, I decided to give more. I am going to do the following things:

1. Work out for at least 30 minutes everyday.

This does not matter what I do, as long as I do something for 30 minutes everyday. Keeping my commitment to losing weight and getting in better shape mentally and physically.

2. To finally find a church and make a conscious effort to go once a week

I need to fill the void of spirituality that I am feeling in my life. I want to find a church were I feel that my soul is being fed.

3. To make even more of an effort to be aware of my surroundings, i.e. people who may need a door held open, or a bag carried. Simple things.

This means that I want to not walk around like where I am going is the only thing that matters. I want to be aware of all that is around me and make an effort to notice others around me as well.

4. To be more organized in my day to day life. Especially around my apartment

This means, put cloths away RIGHT after laundry, clean the dishes sooner then I do, keep up on things so I dont have to spend a day doing a big cleaning. This is hard to do when you live alone. When I shared space I found it easier to always keep things organized. I want to make that a priority. No relaxing til things are done. Once I get in the habit I know it will be easy in time.

I hope we all remember whether we believe in these rituals or not that spring is a wonderful time of renewal, the weather changes and the grass gets green, flowers start to grow and everything seems brighter. It is always a good time to take a step back and look at who we are and redefine the things that we want to work on or change.

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One thing that never ceases to amaze me, along with the growth of vegetation from the earth and of hair from the head, is the growth of understanding.

~ Alice Walker

Night out with my mom

This weekend ended on a really special note. I had got my mother tickets to see Emmy Lou Harris in concert for Christmas. My mother used to listen to her when I was a little girl and I would always hear her singing along. Part of the reason I am so muscial, is my mother always had the record player or tape player going with some form of music, be it celtic or country. I remember dancing around the kitchen and pretending I was this famous singer. I knew when I saw this concert announcement I had to take my mother. It was such a wonderful night. I took her out to a nice dinner near us, and then we headed in, even the rain could not stop us. She was like a kid in a candy store when we got there.

The seats at the Orpheum are ridiculous and you basically can not move because your knees touch the seat in front of you. However once the show started, neither of us even thought about it. It was Emmy Lou Harris with Patty Griffin and Shawn Colvin. The had a semi cirle on the stage and it was all acoustic. From the first song with solid harmonies, we were hooked. It was magical, and as my mother said it was rejuvenating. I felt close to tears sometimes not only by there passion when they sang, but the lyrics. The joy on my mothers face during the concert and after when she hugged me and thanked me for taking her made my heart feel full. Those who know me understand that my mother is my best friend. I would be nothing without her. She has shown me strength and perserverance. She is not afraid to show me tough love, and also never fails to let me know just how proud of me she is.

I will cherish last night as another very special memory between my mother and I. She is my rock. I am humbled to have her in my life.

Stolen Moment

I want to wrap you in my arms
I want to steal you from your world
For just a moment and let you see the other side and its beauty

I want to hold your gaze
Let you see what is inside of my soul
Without words, until you don’t know where my thoughts end and yours begin

I want to kiss your lips
Until we forget the day and the time
And the only sound we can hear are our hearts beating to the same rhythm

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02/09 - TF

Car Crash

Okay, It is lyrics time.

Love this song and the lyrics are just wonderful. It is by Matt Nathanson.

"Car Crash"

I'm wide awake and so alive
Ringing like a bell
Tell me this is paradise
And not someplace I fell
'Cause I keep on fallin' down

I wanna feel the car crash
I wanna feel the capsize
I wanna feel the bomb drop, the earth stop
'Til I'm satisfied
I wanna feel the car crash
'Cause I'm dyin' on the inside
I wanna let go and know
That I'll be alright, alright

Just push me 'til I have to fly
I've shed my skin, my scars
Take me deep out past the lights
Where nothing dims these stars
Nothing dims these stars

I wanna feel the car crash
I wanna feel the capsize
I wanna feel the bomb drop, the earth stop
'Til I'm satisfied
I wanna feel the car crash
'Cause I'm dyin' on the inside
I wanna let go and know
That I'll be alright, alright

So right
It's all wrong

I'm wide awake and so alive

I wanna feel the car crash
I wanna feel the capsize
I wanna feel the bomb drop, the earth stop
'Til I'm satisfied
I wanna feel the car crash
'Cause I'm dyin' on the inside
I wanna let go and know
That I'll be alright, alright

Speechless

I sat down last night to blog, and nothing. For the first time I feel that I have nothing to blog about. Not that my mind is not going in so many different direction, but perhaps I have so much going on I dont even know where to begin.

I had an interesting weekend. A weekend that made me evaluate once again my life and decisions. Do I over react, expect things to go a certain way instead of just letting them happen. Perhaps! I know I overanalyze alot, I guess I just want to have some control over my life. I know that is crazy, because none of us have control over anything really.

Am I sorry for ways I have reacted? I guess that is a loaded question. I think things happen for a reason. I am not sure if I want to say I regret things I have done. I hope that they allow me to react different next time. I am a passionate and emotional person and I tend to sometimes act on my feelings, be it disappointment, anger, sadness, anxiety. I know that is not always best, but sometimes you can not see the forest through the trees. That is life. It happens. I guess we hope that the people in our lives, the ones that really care about us, can see through that, and meet us halfway sometimes.

I expect those that are truly in my life for a reason to call me on things, tell me when I overreact or treat them a certain way. Sometimes my pride gets in the way, but I welcome the ones that really want me in there lives to call me out, tell me I was wrong.

I dont want to live my life with my fears that come from my past. I want a clean road to the future I deserve. I dont want to leave casualties in my wake.

I guess sometimes I need to swallow my pride and say I was wrong. That is a lesson I am not sure I have learned yet. I am trying. I think for me I have a hard time forgiving myself for the mistakes in my past. I need to do that though, and move on with my life.

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“There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love.”

Happy Valentines Day

XO

HHhhmmmmm

The topic for today is things that make you go hhmmmmm...

Discuss!

Waiting

Waiting. It seems we are always looking forward waiting for something. I know some people that are always looking for the next thing in there life. They can not enjoy the simplicity of the moment they are in. I do fall prey to that as well from time to time. The next job, the right person to marry, the time to have kids, the house they will own someday, the lottery they will win.. etc. I try to remind myself everyday to enjoy the journey. I probably blog about this more then anything. I guess it is for me an exercise that keeps it fresh in my mind. This life we are given is the only one we have, we need to remember that each moment be it taking the train to work, spending time with family or even when you are alone are all times we need to be in the moment.

I found myself in a great mood on Monday. I was smiling at the silliest thing. Songs on my ipod seemed to sound different even though I probably had heard them hundreds of times before. I seemed more aware of my life and my surroundings. I am sure it was because I had one of the nicest weekends I have had in a while. I think taking care of myself physically has made me more aware of being genuinely happy with my life. I am where I am for a reason. I believe in fate and to some extent a destiny. I believe with my whole heart that the people and places that have been on this journey have served a very valid purpose.

I believe more then ever that there is a God that really guides my steps. I know I am not the most religious person, but lately I have seen little signs that I am being protected. My heart feels so full lately. I noticed it when I was with my nephew and got teary eyed thinking about how much joy that little guy brings to my life. How much of a blessing he is to this family. I am learning to appreciate my family in a way that I haven't in a long time. I think I am learning a forgiveness for my father for not being there in many ways and it is bringing such healing and peace into my life.

I don't know why there is this sense of peace with me right now, however I know I am really thankful for it.

Wonderful Weekend

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I had such a nice weekend! It was free of bank fraud, so that in itself was a great thing. I spend Friday night at my friend Dawn and Graemes house warming. It was such a great time and we broke out the karaoke! So fun!

I left a tad early for a friday night becuase I wanted to be able to get up for Yoga on Sat. I did, however I feel it was a waste. It was more like a stretching class and I worked out on the eliptical after so I could feel like I was getting a work out in. Then I ran some errands and met my freind Jessi for lunch. After I headed to Maynard to babysit my nephew. It was so nice to spend some quality time with him and let my sister and her husband get out for a much needed date. Isaac makes me so happy, and he now attempts to say my name which is just amazing. It was much needed time with him.

Sunday I worked out, got some cleaning done and clothes put away. Then I headed to dinner and a comedy show. Lenny Clark was beyond hysterical. It was a great line up. Great to see the band members outside of a gig. They really are a great group of people. I am so lucky to get to be in a band with them. The night was so nice and I woke up feeling really great about everything today! So far February has been pretty great!

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“Happiness comes of the capacity to feel deeply, to enjoy simply, to think freely, to risk life, to be needed.”

He is too cute.. I just can't stand it

Okay, so I stole these pics of my nephew Isaac from my sister, I just could not resist posting them. I am looking forward to spending time with him on Saturday. I am going to babysit so my sister and Brian can go on a much needed date!

And I couldnt resist the one where he was crying. He did not want to come in from playing in the snow.








Goodness I adore that boy!