What I want

I stalk your lives online, I want what you have. I see the profile pic of you and your baby, or husband, or fiancee. I see your engagement pictures, your post about your wedding day and pictures of the happy bride and groom, your babies growing in your bellies, and then growing up and how they change. I hear about the love you have as families. I yearn for that. I want that. Yes, I post about my family, pictures of me enjoying my niece and nephews, my friends and I having fun. I am happy. I have a wonderful life. But my heart wants what you have. I long to hold hands with a man I am in love with, to someday see him get on one knee and ask me to marry him. I want to post pictures of when he asked, I yearn to have the cute engagement pictures, post about my wedding day, to feel a life grow inside me. I want it so much at times the pain is so intense. People ask me why I am single, why I am not married, why I do not have kids. These questions only make it hurt more.

The beautiful thing is I have peace. I believe in a God that loves me, that wants only the best for me in my life. I am learning more everyday to trust him and know that his ways are not my ways. I know that he knows the desires of my heart. I also have learned that he does answer prayers, although not always the way we want them to be answered. For a long time I followed what I wanted, I did things that made me feel good. I also looked for love in all the wrong places. I am not going to say I have not dated some great men, I have, but I have dated a lot of the wrong men too. But all of that is in the past. I have looked to physical things to make me feel loved. I thought I have been in love. I am not sure that is the case now. I am not sure I have ever known what love really is. I know that the truest love I have felt however is the love that comes from God, that is a love that I understand, it is tangible to me. I have seen his love in so many areas of my life. He wants me to come even closer to him, to trust him, to give him my whole heart. So I seek him more every day, I yearn to hear his word, to share his love.

My life, my journey has led me back to this one truth – God is love. It is as simple and as complex as that and I am thankful for that every day.

The definition of trust

What is on my mind today? So many things, mostly trust. Trust is defined as the assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something. Very simply put it is being able to fully believe in who a person is and knowing that what they present to you is authentic. I have been having issues with that word lately and how it is played out in my life currently. I am a very trusting person, probably to a fault. I am first to believe the good in people and accept that they would be nothing but trustworthy. However I have learned in my life through many instances that I cannot trust that way, that I need to sometimes have a bit of a guard. I struggle with what that means right now. I am not sure what part of who I am needs to shift in regards to how I think and feel. Do I just start not trusting someone at first and let them earn it, or do I continue to trust someone until they prove me to be wrong. Alternately, what do I do if I have given trust to someone and then something they do breaks that trust. Can I find the strength to put it behind me and move forward to learn to trust them again, or do I keep a guard up thinking that they will do it again? These are definitely some questions that I am having right now. As of now I believe that you have to forgive in order to move forward, however if you feel you can't then the only action is to walk away from the situation. I am choosing to move forward for now but to do so with my eyes fully open. I believe you need to learn mostly in this situation to trust your instinct and your judgement. You will know when someone is not being honest (at least I hope) and if you can learn to trust that feeling you can move forward with a bit more confidence.

Time will tell if deciding to move forward was a good thing. Sometimes you just need to take chances and see what happens.

Merry Merry

I know it has been a long time since my last blog. BAD GIRL! Well here I am, it is December 16th and I should be all Merry Merry, Fa la la la, but I am not truly in the holiday spirit this year. Don't get me wrong I am allowing the positive to shine through, however I am having a harder time doing that this year. I came into work after a wonderful Thanksgiving with my amazing family to find out that I was losing my job. I work for a start up so these things can happen, I was just not expecting it. I think the hardest part was that I truly love where I am working and the people I am working with. It is really daunting thinking about interviewing again and looking to find a place that will be as close to a good fit as I have had in my current position. I know it is possible, it is just all a tad overwhelming right now.

I think though that I am in a good place emotionally to be able to put it all in perspective. There is that old and oh so annoying saying "Everything happens for a reason" and funny enough I truly do believe that. I know that what is happening right now is mean to be, that this is a hurdle I will have to overcome and it could be a time for me to figure it all out.

Stay tuned!

The Joys of Dating

An email like this is what makes dating such a pain in the tosh! After letting a guy I had been on one date with (yes, you heard that right, only one date) know I was not interested or at least not in the level he was, I got this response:

"Ah yes.... Grass is greener syndrome.... Always something better out there... Why date a nice guy in front of you if there is someone better out there... It's a lonely existence because there is ALWAYS someone better. If you are not ready for something serious... Maybe a "friendship" website would be better for you than a "dating" website.... Just saying...

If you are not sure what you want, then why waste your time and guys time and I wish you hadn't wasted mine.

By the way... You drank too much on the first date and you were overly obnoxious by the end of the night at the bar.... I took it as nerves and was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt...
I had fun, but you are too flighty. Best of luck.... I think....
Your loss sweetheart!
:-)"

Wow, talk about all over the place. Let me address a few things in his response. First of all I had exactly two glasses of wine, one with dinner and one at the bar after. Me being obnoxious was my outgoing personality and joking with the bartender. Now most that know me, know that I am a goof, and sometimes a bit off color. I am used to socializing because I sing in a band and am always interacting with people. It is really humorous to me how when someones feelings are hurt they can resort to saying mean things. At least I know that my feelings about him were spot on and that I am lucky it was only one date. Aren't I so lucky that he wanted to "give me the benefit of the doubt". Wow what a charming man! The sad part is if I responded with wanting to go out with him again he would have been more then happy to go out with me again. This is a guy that was texting everyday and would even text 4 times in a row without any response from me. I think perhaps I need to not be so nice and just say. Thank you, but no thank you and move on a lot faster.

Fall into life

It is your choice. Embrace life or constantly be in a battle with it. We are here for a limited amount of time, we never know the day our life might end. That is not meant as a negative, it simply means that we should chose to go the right way with our choices. What is right? No one can tell you what is right for you or how you should feel, however we all know that when it comes to making a choice that there are normally two pretty solid choices. I just want to make the right choice even when it is the hard decision. A friend recently has come to a conclusion that one of her "friends" really isn't one. It is hurtful to find out that someone you cared about has no regard for your feelings and that the energy you had put into that friendship was not and will never be reciprocated. She could lash out nasty or she could be the bigger person and move forward. She is choosing to move forward. That is not always the easiest to do, and I applaud her for it. I am not sure I could do the same thing. Sometimes we have to bite the bullet and know that no amount of what we say to someone will change their actions toward us. At the end of the day it is a ride, and we have to enjoy it. It will get us nowhere being miserable. I don't live with no regrets, I have regrets. Having regrets is not a bad thing, I think we learn to move forward and try not to repeat those moments. This is the journey you have been put on and never take it for granted.