Lent, and giving more

Yesterday was a start of a very special time for Christians. It was Ash Wednesday and that starts the lenten season. Of course it is also when many will give something up. I thought long and hard about what to give up. However I kept coming back to the fact that for me it is not hard to give something up, it is harder for me to dedicate to the things I want to commit too.

So instead of giving up this year, I decided to give more. I am going to do the following things:

1. Work out for at least 30 minutes everyday.

This does not matter what I do, as long as I do something for 30 minutes everyday. Keeping my commitment to losing weight and getting in better shape mentally and physically.

2. To finally find a church and make a conscious effort to go once a week

I need to fill the void of spirituality that I am feeling in my life. I want to find a church were I feel that my soul is being fed.

3. To make even more of an effort to be aware of my surroundings, i.e. people who may need a door held open, or a bag carried. Simple things.

This means that I want to not walk around like where I am going is the only thing that matters. I want to be aware of all that is around me and make an effort to notice others around me as well.

4. To be more organized in my day to day life. Especially around my apartment

This means, put cloths away RIGHT after laundry, clean the dishes sooner then I do, keep up on things so I dont have to spend a day doing a big cleaning. This is hard to do when you live alone. When I shared space I found it easier to always keep things organized. I want to make that a priority. No relaxing til things are done. Once I get in the habit I know it will be easy in time.

I hope we all remember whether we believe in these rituals or not that spring is a wonderful time of renewal, the weather changes and the grass gets green, flowers start to grow and everything seems brighter. It is always a good time to take a step back and look at who we are and redefine the things that we want to work on or change.

****************

One thing that never ceases to amaze me, along with the growth of vegetation from the earth and of hair from the head, is the growth of understanding.

~ Alice Walker

Night out with my mom

This weekend ended on a really special note. I had got my mother tickets to see Emmy Lou Harris in concert for Christmas. My mother used to listen to her when I was a little girl and I would always hear her singing along. Part of the reason I am so muscial, is my mother always had the record player or tape player going with some form of music, be it celtic or country. I remember dancing around the kitchen and pretending I was this famous singer. I knew when I saw this concert announcement I had to take my mother. It was such a wonderful night. I took her out to a nice dinner near us, and then we headed in, even the rain could not stop us. She was like a kid in a candy store when we got there.

The seats at the Orpheum are ridiculous and you basically can not move because your knees touch the seat in front of you. However once the show started, neither of us even thought about it. It was Emmy Lou Harris with Patty Griffin and Shawn Colvin. The had a semi cirle on the stage and it was all acoustic. From the first song with solid harmonies, we were hooked. It was magical, and as my mother said it was rejuvenating. I felt close to tears sometimes not only by there passion when they sang, but the lyrics. The joy on my mothers face during the concert and after when she hugged me and thanked me for taking her made my heart feel full. Those who know me understand that my mother is my best friend. I would be nothing without her. She has shown me strength and perserverance. She is not afraid to show me tough love, and also never fails to let me know just how proud of me she is.

I will cherish last night as another very special memory between my mother and I. She is my rock. I am humbled to have her in my life.

Stolen Moment

I want to wrap you in my arms
I want to steal you from your world
For just a moment and let you see the other side and its beauty

I want to hold your gaze
Let you see what is inside of my soul
Without words, until you don’t know where my thoughts end and yours begin

I want to kiss your lips
Until we forget the day and the time
And the only sound we can hear are our hearts beating to the same rhythm

*********
02/09 - TF

Car Crash

Okay, It is lyrics time.

Love this song and the lyrics are just wonderful. It is by Matt Nathanson.

"Car Crash"

I'm wide awake and so alive
Ringing like a bell
Tell me this is paradise
And not someplace I fell
'Cause I keep on fallin' down

I wanna feel the car crash
I wanna feel the capsize
I wanna feel the bomb drop, the earth stop
'Til I'm satisfied
I wanna feel the car crash
'Cause I'm dyin' on the inside
I wanna let go and know
That I'll be alright, alright

Just push me 'til I have to fly
I've shed my skin, my scars
Take me deep out past the lights
Where nothing dims these stars
Nothing dims these stars

I wanna feel the car crash
I wanna feel the capsize
I wanna feel the bomb drop, the earth stop
'Til I'm satisfied
I wanna feel the car crash
'Cause I'm dyin' on the inside
I wanna let go and know
That I'll be alright, alright

So right
It's all wrong

I'm wide awake and so alive

I wanna feel the car crash
I wanna feel the capsize
I wanna feel the bomb drop, the earth stop
'Til I'm satisfied
I wanna feel the car crash
'Cause I'm dyin' on the inside
I wanna let go and know
That I'll be alright, alright

Speechless

I sat down last night to blog, and nothing. For the first time I feel that I have nothing to blog about. Not that my mind is not going in so many different direction, but perhaps I have so much going on I dont even know where to begin.

I had an interesting weekend. A weekend that made me evaluate once again my life and decisions. Do I over react, expect things to go a certain way instead of just letting them happen. Perhaps! I know I overanalyze alot, I guess I just want to have some control over my life. I know that is crazy, because none of us have control over anything really.

Am I sorry for ways I have reacted? I guess that is a loaded question. I think things happen for a reason. I am not sure if I want to say I regret things I have done. I hope that they allow me to react different next time. I am a passionate and emotional person and I tend to sometimes act on my feelings, be it disappointment, anger, sadness, anxiety. I know that is not always best, but sometimes you can not see the forest through the trees. That is life. It happens. I guess we hope that the people in our lives, the ones that really care about us, can see through that, and meet us halfway sometimes.

I expect those that are truly in my life for a reason to call me on things, tell me when I overreact or treat them a certain way. Sometimes my pride gets in the way, but I welcome the ones that really want me in there lives to call me out, tell me I was wrong.

I dont want to live my life with my fears that come from my past. I want a clean road to the future I deserve. I dont want to leave casualties in my wake.

I guess sometimes I need to swallow my pride and say I was wrong. That is a lesson I am not sure I have learned yet. I am trying. I think for me I have a hard time forgiving myself for the mistakes in my past. I need to do that though, and move on with my life.

***********************
“There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love.”

Happy Valentines Day

XO

HHhhmmmmm

The topic for today is things that make you go hhmmmmm...

Discuss!

Waiting

Waiting. It seems we are always looking forward waiting for something. I know some people that are always looking for the next thing in there life. They can not enjoy the simplicity of the moment they are in. I do fall prey to that as well from time to time. The next job, the right person to marry, the time to have kids, the house they will own someday, the lottery they will win.. etc. I try to remind myself everyday to enjoy the journey. I probably blog about this more then anything. I guess it is for me an exercise that keeps it fresh in my mind. This life we are given is the only one we have, we need to remember that each moment be it taking the train to work, spending time with family or even when you are alone are all times we need to be in the moment.

I found myself in a great mood on Monday. I was smiling at the silliest thing. Songs on my ipod seemed to sound different even though I probably had heard them hundreds of times before. I seemed more aware of my life and my surroundings. I am sure it was because I had one of the nicest weekends I have had in a while. I think taking care of myself physically has made me more aware of being genuinely happy with my life. I am where I am for a reason. I believe in fate and to some extent a destiny. I believe with my whole heart that the people and places that have been on this journey have served a very valid purpose.

I believe more then ever that there is a God that really guides my steps. I know I am not the most religious person, but lately I have seen little signs that I am being protected. My heart feels so full lately. I noticed it when I was with my nephew and got teary eyed thinking about how much joy that little guy brings to my life. How much of a blessing he is to this family. I am learning to appreciate my family in a way that I haven't in a long time. I think I am learning a forgiveness for my father for not being there in many ways and it is bringing such healing and peace into my life.

I don't know why there is this sense of peace with me right now, however I know I am really thankful for it.

Wonderful Weekend

***************************

I had such a nice weekend! It was free of bank fraud, so that in itself was a great thing. I spend Friday night at my friend Dawn and Graemes house warming. It was such a great time and we broke out the karaoke! So fun!

I left a tad early for a friday night becuase I wanted to be able to get up for Yoga on Sat. I did, however I feel it was a waste. It was more like a stretching class and I worked out on the eliptical after so I could feel like I was getting a work out in. Then I ran some errands and met my freind Jessi for lunch. After I headed to Maynard to babysit my nephew. It was so nice to spend some quality time with him and let my sister and her husband get out for a much needed date. Isaac makes me so happy, and he now attempts to say my name which is just amazing. It was much needed time with him.

Sunday I worked out, got some cleaning done and clothes put away. Then I headed to dinner and a comedy show. Lenny Clark was beyond hysterical. It was a great line up. Great to see the band members outside of a gig. They really are a great group of people. I am so lucky to get to be in a band with them. The night was so nice and I woke up feeling really great about everything today! So far February has been pretty great!

***********************
“Happiness comes of the capacity to feel deeply, to enjoy simply, to think freely, to risk life, to be needed.”

He is too cute.. I just can't stand it

Okay, so I stole these pics of my nephew Isaac from my sister, I just could not resist posting them. I am looking forward to spending time with him on Saturday. I am going to babysit so my sister and Brian can go on a much needed date!

And I couldnt resist the one where he was crying. He did not want to come in from playing in the snow.








Goodness I adore that boy!

Pensive evening..

Lots on my mind tonight. life.. love.. decisions..

What is going on in my brain this evening. *laugh* I am not sad, just pensive. I think I am mulling over this past month and all the changes. Am I excited about moving forward and what awaits me? I guess I am, more then I thought I would be. The not knowing is actually very peaceful to me. This whole letting life happen thing feels FANTASTIC. Even though I want to know the end of the story, this whole enjoying the journey thing is pretty great!

life is a big and wonderful adventure full of amazing events and people. I am loving every minute of it. The ups and the downs.

*********************************************

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

Snow

Remember when snow was this magical thing to us. It gave us a day off school and we used to laugh with excitement getting ready to go outside and play in it.

We lived across from a school growing up and it had what at the time to us was a huge parking lot. We used to watch as they plowed and as soon as they were done, we would run over there and stalk out our "fort". Each of us would find a plowed spot and start making it our snowball fort. We would dig a spot to duck down in and proceed to make our snowballs. We would hide around the school seeing who could nail the other kid sooner with a nice big chunk of this magnificent white stuff.

Snow days were a wonderful escape. That was all you could do, was go outside until you could not take the cold anymore. Laugh with friends, and enjoy not having a care in the world.

I think we should all take an adult snow day sometime, were we build forts, go sledding, and watch cartoons to our hearts content. Instead this time, we will add some baileys to our hot cocoa. :)

25 Random things about me

25 Things

1. I used to be able to write with both of my feet

2. When I am walking I try not to step on cracks.

3. I am sadly a hopeless romantic, and it will never change

4. I trust perhaps to much and it tends to burn me more then I like

5. I still think that I will be a real rockstar someday

6. Seeing my Nephew literally fills me with joy I could never have imagined

7. I look at my sister in a whole new light since she had Isaac

8. I will lose the weight I want this year, becuase I want to do it for me and no one else.

9. I truly hate my nose, but would never get a nose job

10. I fear being alone

11. I wonder if I will ever have a family

12. I seriously have an obsession with John Cusack

13. I have an unhealthy obsession with reality shows.

14. I love to take long hot baths

15. I would love to live in Italy for a year, but fear the change

16. I love to feel the grass under my feet in the summer

17. I love sitting at the edge of the water at the ocean and having it run over my toes.

18. I want a Chocolate Lab someday

19. I always wished I was born in Ireland and not here

20. I have an addiction with cheese

21. I love to be on top of a mountain and look out below me.

22. I love my mother above anyone

23. I wonder if my judgement will always be bad

24. My Nana has been gone for over 13 years and I miss her more everyday

25. I love peanut butter and banana sandwichs

Smile.. anyway

Life is rough sometimes, it is a roller coaster and it can really knock us on our butt sometimes. I have found that I can still smile through it all and that is a great lesson. Sure, I may bawl my eyes out first, and feel like it is all coming down on me, but then I dust myself off, pick myself up and find the solution. Life is way to short for us to spend time letting people and things get us down. I think that no matter how good of a person you are things will happen, it is how you deal with it that makes you the person you are.

Mind over matter

I am so amazed at the power of the mind sometimes. I have been unable to really speak the past few days and lets just say this week has not been the best for me. The one thing I love and that makes me feel so in touch with who I am is singing. So I was really nervous that I would not be able to sing last night, and it made me sad. Well the time comes, I get on stage, and all of a sudden there is my voice. Sure, it did not sound like it always does, but I could not believe what was coming out of me. I am so thankful for it. I needed to have a great night, to sing, and make people smile. I feel that I not only accomplished that for others, but also for myself.

My brother and his beautiful girlfriend Sreela came and it was so nice to see them. I love when I can share my talent with my family.

Here are some pictures from the night.