The Great Wall

Ah yes, the great wall. The wall that I think is not there til, BAM something happens in my life and there it is again.. how does that happen, and why does it happen?

I find that I am in my eyes an extremely open person, I wear my heart on my sleeve, perhaps too much at times. However the moment I am in a situation that allows that heart to be vulnerable, i.e. dating someone I am crazy about, or in a situation where I can be rejected, be it professionally or in my creative life, this hideous wall builds back up. The wall that keeps me from achieving the greatness I so rightfully deserve. It prevents me from forging ahead and making the most of the talents, the love and all the other amazing things that I can offer this world.

The sad thing is that in the end it merely pushes back all the personal work I have done within myself.

Why do we have these walls? I analyze mine to death, but to what means. Perhaps for me it is not understanding fully that I deserve everything in this life. To find a love, a best friend to share this fantastic journey with. To be successful and have my voice heard in as many places as possible. To embrace and not run away from failure. It is a part of life. We are a product of not only our success in life, but of our failures as well. These all what makes us truly unique and amazing individuals.

Perhaps I need to view this wall as not something in the way, but as a reminder of my weakness, something to look at and not allow to affect me. Have that wall be a source of strength reminding me of pain that was in the past, and that the wall is what separates me from that pain, and allows me to move forward, instead of seeing it as an obstacle or something to hide behind.

The picture I attached symbolizes that in a way. I need to break through that wall, and allow others to come through as well. This journey, this path we are on is one that will lead to many discoveries, but for me I want to embrace it all.

"Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb."
~ Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)

Fairytale

Okay so I told you from time to time I would add lyrics. Well I love Sara Bareilles right now, and I was listening on the train this AM, and the lyrics to the song Fairytale made me laugh. It is a song I should listen to more! :) Enjoy!

"Fairytale"

Cinderella's on her bedroom floor

She's got aCrush on the guy at the liquor store

Cause Mr. Charming don't come home anymore

And she forgets why she came here

Sleeping Beauty's in a foul mood For shame

she saysNone for you dear prince, I'm tired today

I'd rather sleep my whole life away

than have you keep me from dreaming

[Chorus:]

'cause I don't care for your fairytales

You're so worried about the maiden though you know

She's only waiting on the next best thing

Snow White is doing dishes again cause

What else can you doWith seven itty-bitty men?

Sends them to bed and calls up a friend

Says will you meet me at midnight?

The tall blonde lets out a cry of despair says

Would have cut it myself if I knew men could climb hair

I'll have to find another tower somewhere

and keep away from the windows

Once upon a time in a faraway kingdom

Man made up a story said that I should believe him

Go and tell your white knight

that he's handsome in hindsight

But I don't want the next best thing

So I sing and hold my head down

and I break these walls round me

Can't take no more of your fairytale love

I don't care I don't care

Worry bout the maiden though you know

She's only waiting spent the whole life being graded on the sanctity of patience and a dumb

Appreciation

But the story needs some mending and a better happy ending

Cause I don't want the next best thing

No no I don't want the next best thing

And.. He walks!

*Sigh* so it is official, my little munchkin of a nephew Isaac is now walking. Apparently all over the house. I hate how fast they grow up, but it is such a wonderful mystery of life how these things happen. He is a pretty amazing kid, of course I am partial being his aunt and all.

So, I think it is time my sister start working on number 2. HA!

New York, Wedding Gowns, and Random thoughts, Oh My!

Hello all! (or at least the 3 people that read my blogs)

Sorry I have been not the best blogger in the world, however I normally only blog when I feel I have something today. Does that mean I have something to say today? Um.. sorry, not really. I do have a bunch of possibly mind numbing ramblings that I wish to share. (side note* if you want to just skip this blog I will not be offended)

So, Friday AM I will after a lovely breakfast at the diner next store, be taking off to New York with one of my best girlies. She recently got engaged, and picked me as her maid of honor (and honored I am). So we are heading there for her to meet with her advisor and then for some fun happenings around NY. I am sure I will find some trouble somewhere to cause. Then on Sunday we will be going to the famous Kleinfelds in Manhattan. http://kleinfeldbridal.com/.

This should prove to be fun. However I have started to think about wedding as ALOT of work. I know as a Maid of honor I have alot on my plate as well. However I would do anything for Heather, so that is not an issue.

I am sure we shall have some silly times together this weekend, and I will bring my camera and share some fun photos upon my return.

So for some random thoughts on my mind today. I have been pondering that last few days the connections we have with people. I find that some of us are connected on a level that is out of control. I feel that way with some of my friends, and then with people that I meet. Relationships are amazing to me. The way we can just know what someone is thinking, or call someone right when they needed us too. I think that there are so many amazing instances in my own personal life where this has happened. I think we have what I like to call kindred spirits in our lives, instead of soul mates, soul friends. I truly feel on many levels that there are people in my life that if they were not here anymore the loss would be so painful. I think I am so blessed to have some solid people around. Friends/family that I know will be there through it all, even when they might not want to be. We are all weaved together in some magical pattern, and it is one that embraces me like a warm blanket and allows me that safety. When I feel alone, is when I am faced with the realization that I am not alone, that as much as I may want to give in to that emotion, that the truth is, my answer is always just a phone call away.

To the Sweetest little man I know

This face changed my world. That day in February when I finally got to look into the eyes of this amazing little man I then learned what pure love is like. His face lights up my world. He smile makes my heart flutter. I never knew the kind of love I could feel for a child til the day my nephew was born. He is amazing, and bring me back to earth when I am feeling sorry for myself. he reminds me that all things in life starts so simply. To watch a child enjoy a piece of cake for instance

Do you remember how good your first piece of cake tasted. I bet Isaac JUST reminded you of that. *laugh* He gives me more or a reason to be a better person. The last time I saw him he actually reached out for me to hold him. Can I just tell you that was the best moment ever. To know that he loves his auntie Tara. I think all my worries melt away when he is in my arms.

I am amazed at the feelings I have for him. It is truly life changing. I can only imagine the day when I am blessed to have my own child. If I feel this for Isaac, I am sure it will me magnified when it is my own child.

So little guy! I love you with all I have in me. Look forward to watching you grow into an amazing man!

Ignorance is bliss

Monday mornings always bring the hustle to get out of the apartment, and there always seems to be something I am forgetting, or something holding me up. So I find I always am at least 5-10 minutes behind schedule of where I want to be. So I get to the train, and I am one of the lucky ones where it is an early enough stop and I always get a seat. So I sit down with my ipod, get all cozy and relax for my ride in. This is when I will take the time to tell you that I am 3 seats in from the door and on my left and right are two gentlemen (I use the term VERY loosely here). So we get two stops into our journey, and reach North Quincy Station. I look and see a women get on the train who has a baby in one of those carriers that you wear. I wait a moment to see if either of the men on the sides of me.. or the women that is RIGHT near the door even move or make a gesture to give up there seat. Do you think they did? NO! So.. Tara does, as always. Both men look at me..and still let ME give up my seat. I dont know why this bothers me so much as I see it all the time and have had to do it all the time. I just wish people were not so ignorant. It just really bothers me. I dont mind giving my seat up, but when I see men there and I was raised on traditional values, I get really irritated. I know it is 2008 and I dont expect a man to give me a seat just becuase I am a women, but women that are pregnant, or have a child, that is a different story. Oh well. Lets hope that I can set an example to some people out there. I just wish people paid attention to there surroundings and were not so caught up in there world.

Happy Monday! :)

* Thankful *

It is amazing how a moment can change your whole week. I have been in a funk all week, stress, anxiety. I am sure for a number of reasons. Sad that I am not moving further along in areas I want to be, feeling sorry for myself because I am single.. every little thing that is "wrong" with my life was magnified 100% this week for me. That all stopped at about 8:40AM this morning when I got on the Orange line and turned around and there was a man in a wheelchair that could only move his arms. In that moment I was horrified at how I felt all week, and felt so selfish. I realized instead of all the things that I am missing, why am I not paying attention to all that I actually have and what I have achieved. Be thankful for the gifts I have and the people that I am so blessed to have in my life now. Mostly to realize that some of the things I take for granted this man can't even do. Sometimes it takes one moment when I feel that God says.. "Tara, wake up and look around you, you have been blessed"

Today will be spent with my chin up realizing that in moments of weakness, when I feel sorry for myself I need to look around me and take in others challenges in life and realize we all have them and that sometimes our focus just needs to be adjusted to see beyond them.

"I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances. " - Martha Washington (1732 - 1802)