Realizing you are a grown up

There are so many moments when I truly still feel like a teenager and then reality hits.. hard.. and this voice echos in my brain "T---, you are 31 years old". That is when I cry like a baby. Moments when I realize I am grown up happen at least once a month when I write my rent check, or pay my bills. It is really funny, because today I had one of those moments when I really thought about life and where I have come from. Did I ever when I was younger think about living in an apt alone, or for instance those days when I dreamed of my wedding and thought it would be when I was 25 and by my age now I would have 2.5 kids and a white pickets fence, instead I have 2 cats and an apartment about a movie theater. *laugh* I am not complaining at all just merely thinking back to those days. The dreams we had as children still remain in our make up now that we are adults. I still dream of being that rock star that takes the stage to thousands of screaming fans, and my reality is I sing with a band a bar to about 30 people.. some my hopelessly devoted friends! :) To tell you the truth, it still gives me that rock star feeling. I have come to realize that as children we used to dream big, crazy dreams, and that when you look at your life now, those were magical times, however sometimes the simpler things still fill us with that same joy and give us that same feeling. I know that singing in the shower, or at my local bar, still makes me feel amazing, and fills me with joy. I also know that same joy will be felt when I sing a lullaby to my future child. I guess my point to all this babbling is that dreams no matter how big or how small, being a child or an adult still feed our souls. The day we stop dreaming would be very sad. So regardless of how silly you may feel, jump on the swing at a park, go play in the rain, dream the dreams that started in the sandbox, and never let the inner child die.
bills.. will come and go.. life will throw us many different obstacles.. but through it all there is that kid inside that just really wants to eat candy til you puck and ride your bike in the parking lot until your mom yells at you to come in.

So today.. I realize I am grown up only to be reminded by the girl who used to climb trees across the street or buy the ring pops down at the package store that she is still there.. knocking ever so lightly... "psstt.. grownup smownup"

The Power of Now

So I had briefly heard a while ago on Oprah about this book "The Power of now" http://eckharttolle.com/the_power_of_now. I am always skeptical about these types of books, being that I believe in God I always wonder if this is to New age. However after hearing people speak about it and reading more about it, I was in Target on Monday running errands, saw it on the stand and made an impulse buy. Well I have to say that I am only through 2 chapters and it is scary how much it relates to what I need to hear right now.

Excerpts from the website:

"To make the journey into The Power of Now we will need to leave our analytical mind and its false created self, the ego, behind."

"Although the journey is challenging, Eckhart Tolle offers simple language and a question and answer format to guide us. The words themselves are the signposts. For many of us there are new discoveries to be made along the way: we are not our mind; we can find our way out of psychological pain; authentic human power is found by surrendering to the Now. We also find out that the body is actually one of the keys to entry into a state of inner peace, as are the silence and space all around us."

"We come to see that our relationships are yet another doorway into spiritual enlightenment if we use them wisely, meaning if we use them to become more conscious and therefore more loving human beings. The result? Real communion between self and others. If we are able to be fully present and take each step in the Now; if we are able to feel the reality of such things as the inner-body, surrender, forgiveness, and the Unmanifested, we will be opening ourselves to the transforming experience of The Power of Now.

Anyway, I know all of that sounds really heavy and new age, so that concerned me. However in reading the book the way I am perceiving it is. It basically talks of how we think to much, and over analyze our lives. That we need to listen to our true emotion, and use that more as a guiding force. I believe this with me to be true. I sometimes know the feeling and the right decision to make, although I sometimes will over think something to death and then end up all flustered and confused. I found myself taking a pen out and underlying key things that he said.

Well if you are leery of this book, but want to check it out, you can borrow it from me after. It is really great so far.

To feel alive

So tonight I was watching a movie, a movie that really just made me smile at many moments. Some people would call it a chick flick, but to me it was deliciously invigorating. All I could think of at the end of that movie was... I want to feel alive. Every moment of everyday I want to feel that there is something to always smile about and to always feel blessed. We take the small moments in life for granted to much. I need to constantly remind myself of this. I want to find that love, the one that when you wake up every morning for the rest of your life you still would not want it any other way. The one that you love with the kind of unconditional love we all should have. I want to be he person I know I should be and strive to do that on a daily basis. There are some days I have to pull myself out of bed and get motivated to start the day. I want to make changes that allow me to blossom. I wonder sometimes where I can go, and the steps to acheive our dreams can be scary at times. I just really forget some days what I have and why I am so lucky. I know that if my life ended tomorrow that I have a full life, with so many wonderful people who love me. I have had so many moments where I have felt alive and truly a participant in this amazing journey. At the end of the day I hope that everyone in my life knows the amount of true joy they bring me and that I would do anything for them, and I have always felt supported and loved by them as well.

"Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it's what you are expected to give -- which is everything."

First day of Spring

March 20Th, the first day of spring. Well it does not feel like that in Boston today. It is wet and bitter, and we are in for a cold Easter weekend. However somehow just knowing it is the first day of spring makes me happy.

I love knowing that in a month or two we will see flowers shooting up from the ground. My world will go from grey to colors that make me smile even on my grouchiest day.

It is time to clean the Rollerblades, and get the hiking boots ready, time to go through the boxes in the closet and clean my apartment top to bottom. I love the change of the seasons in general, but going from winter to spring really gives me the giggles. I love it! :) Happy Spring all!

Oh.. and did I mention the BEST thing about spring/Easter: Cadbury mini eggs... YUMMO

Lyrics I love - Part 1

I am really into music, not just how it sounds, but the words. I truly get attached to lyrics. So many songs have touched my life in one way or another, and it was always at a time I truly needed to hear them.

Today on the train I heard the lyrcis to the song "Gravity" by Sara Bareilles, and it moved me. I am not sure what it is in the song that I relate to, it just gets to me right now, and I listened to it a few times. It was beautiful. So I am going to post them here, so you all can enjoy the words.

Music is the best therapy in my life.

Gravity

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do
I’ll still feel you here ’til the moment I’m gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much
than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

[CHORUS]
Set me free, leave me be.
I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall,
just the way I’m supposed to be.
But you’re on to me and all over me.

You loved me ’cause I’m fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while
and all my fragile strength is gone.

Set me free, leave me be.
I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall,
just the way I’m supposed to be.
But you’re on to me and all over me.

I live here on my knees
as I try to make you see that you’re
everything I think I need here onThe ground.
But you’re neither friend nor foe
though I can’t seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down
Your keeping me down,
Your on to me, your on to me and all over
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes to long…

New Beginnings

Yes, today is a day of new beginnings. I just ended a relationship that was very precious to me. Sometimes you have to realize that you can love someone so deeply and it just not be meant to be. That was our situation. We are best friends, but just could not be together. I think realizing it and moving on before we make a mistake, is very mature and a great thing. Sometimes what is right thouch can hurt the most. I am good, I am better then good actually. I realize that not only am I open now for the love I deserve, but I am ready. I finally have closure. That is so amazing to say.
So I am ready to embrace whatever the world wants to throw at me. I know that this journey is going to have its ups and down, but overall it will be a fun ride!

Hhhhmmm.. yeah.. that is all I have to say about that

Yeah.. nothing to say about that.. nothing to say at all...

Stress... does it really get you anywhere?

Does stress really have a place in our lives? We all have it, but in the end where does it get us. With a 2 day migraine is where it gets me. I think that as much as I want to not stress about life I do, and even when I say I am not stressing, that is when I am knee deep in the trenches of it. When my shoulders are tight and my neck feels like it could snap from the tension.

What do I stress from? The normal things, work, love, money. All things we can change and work on, however it all takes time. I think sometimes we forget that in order to alleviate stress we need to take the baby steps to work on the things that are the cause of it. We need to make lists, on paper or in our mind, that are a guide to finding the answers we need. Now I am not saying these answers will lead to less stress, in fact some of the answers will lead to all sorts of new kinds. Oh boy you say! Well life is a challenge, everyday we face new things that can either make or break us. I feel it is how we approach them that make us the people we are.

We can laugh through them, sometimes cry through them, however we get through them it is a process, and that process is what we call life. The roller coaster analogy if you will. Sure we gets b umps and bruises along the way, but the amazing little miracles we get are the things we need to tenderly hold onto. The memories we want to keep in our heart and mind forever. The way my Nana used to smell, and the way she looked at me. The way my grandad used to tease me playfully and yet lovingly. My mothers strength that I still don't think I fully understand. The way it smells after a thunderstorm in the summertime. The smell of my new nephew, that amazing baby smell, that they really should bottle and sell. All these things are memories and moments that really stick in my mind.

Instead of stressing today, I am going to think of everything that I am truly blessed to have had in my life and the things that are present today. I am going to not allow anything to stress me out, and realize that sometimes things are out of my control. That I need to not sweat the small stuff, and truly pick my battles in life.

So.. today.. be happy.. and realize that tomorrow will take care of itself.

Rain and Children and Time Change..Oh My

Ah.. the weekend has once again come and gone and I once again have a bad case of the Mondays.

Friday night was a nice relaxing evening with RL, we just went out for Fish N chips and watched American Idol from the past week. I tell you, that guy David C. is one talented kid. He is so stinking adorable I want to put him in my pocket. I called from a while back that he will win it all and I am still sticking to that.

Saturday was a wet and raining mess. I did not even bother doing my hair, it was just NASTY! Ah well, at least it was not snow, that would have stunk big time.

So, I would have to say, for the most part I adore children and think they are a wonderful blessing, but perhaps it was the red wine the night before in conjunction with the time change that just really made me have no patience for the shrill screaming of about 10 kids listening to a magician at the birthday party I went to on Sunday. I mean, if there was anything that could make me not want kids it was that. I just think I was overtired and sensitive to sound, but MAN, I wanted to jump out a window.

I know deep down that I want a family someday, but a day like Sunday makes me wonder if I am really anywhere NEAR ready for it.

Overall the weekend was nice, but I was in a pensive mood and my mind was racing. I am in need of some big changes on all levels, and my mind is a bit jumbled with which direction to go with most of them. All I can say is I woke up with a BIG headache today and it has not gone away yet. I go through phases of self discovery, and lately I have gone off track with some goals that I have, and I need to get the train running again. So today my to do list was a bit big, although I have already nailed down a few e-mails that needed to get out and will await some feedback from them.

Mondays... they always seem to come back around.. dont they!

Ally McBeal Moments - Take 1

So for those of you who never watched an episode of Ally McBeal (i.e. most men). On the show Ally McBeal would have visions, i.e. dancing babies, or someone would say something snide to her and she would envision drop kicking them or something of that nature.

Well today, while on my wonderful ride on what is known as the MBTA (Massachusetts Bay Transportation Association), I had what is in my eyes known as the elbow fight. We all know those seats were made for people who are tiny, which by the rate of obesity in america is hardly ANYONE, it makes for mostly uncomfortable sitting.

Anyway, this guy was reading his paper and did not want to give me an inch to have my elbow there, ugh, so I envisioned my elbow jabbing him in the side. I know, not very nice of me, and I do consider myself a generally nice person, however I was just not feeling so nice at that point.

Ah well, I am sure my niceness will kick back in eventually today, perhaps after my caffeine infusion..

I am Woman

Had to be one of my favorite poems anywhere and today, I wanted to share this.

Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand

J ust why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

~ Maya Angelou

MMMmmmm Bologna

I know, silly yet simple. What brought me utter joy today? The simplicity of a homemade Bologna and Cheese sandwich on a fresh roll, with baked sour cream and onion lays. YUMMO! I guess some days we dont need mountains to move, we just need the yummy goodness of fresh bread. Truly sometimes I wonder how somedays nothing pleases me and others it is the smallest thing. *shrug* perhaps that is what life is all about. The true simple joys of a homemade sandwich.

hhmm.. Yes world.. that is how I am starting my blog.