New Year

Happy New Year to everyone.

Wow, is it really going to be 2009? Seriously! I think that is crazy. It is so funny that the older we get the faster the years go by. I am looking forward to a new year.

I can't believe that I have lived in my apartment now for over a year now. Life changes and moves so fast. Sometimes I just want to say, "hey, slow down". It reminds me of when I was a kid at the playground. Do you remember that one thing that you could spin and kids could be on it? Well we used to all try and get on when it was spinning, and sometimes it was going so fast it was hard. I feel that is how life is, it is spinning so fast and we are all on for the ride, sometimes we get off and then find it hard to get back on. I just sometimes think we are all in such a fast pace that we need to learn to step back a bit. I definitely think I have really gotten better over the past few months at learning to breath. I recognize more the things that I do that are not healthy and then also know the way to fix it. That is an acheivement I think. I learned that letting go is a great thing, and sometimes it leads to answers you were looking for all along.

I have also been taught many hard lessons this year, and all have made me stronger and more aware. Friendships tested, that has caused hurt and pain, but also brought a realization that things do come full circle and everything has resolution if you are open to it. Learning that people can not be what you want them to be, but we need to instead love and be steadfast in that love. See Love is a choice, it is something that we do becuase we want to. Loving other people also means doing it unconditionaly. That is something we all tend to forget. It does mean that you are open to hurt and disappointment, however, I would rather love and risk it. Our family, friends, Significant others are all going to hurt us, we are human, it is in our nature. All we can do is learn that forgiveness is also a choice and know that if the shoe were on the other foot we would want to be forgiven also.

I pray that 2009 makes me an even better women. That I can be the kind of person that I will want my children to be someday. I want to love more and even better, I want to forgive more. Let this year be a year full of laughter and joy for all of my family and friends.

Know that I love you all, and that the one thing to remember always is that tomorrow is a new day, and there are not mistakes in it.

Merry Merry, Happy Happy, Jingle all the way

Oh my lovelies!

It is Christmas time again, and how did this sneak up on me. I love this season. I was talking to someone the other day though and this year definitely has a different feel to it. I think becuase the economy is so bad that it just feels like people are learning that less is more and that it is not about giving and receiving presents. I feel that more people are realizing that this time of year is about family and friends, and seeing that it is the simple things that matter. The time we spend together is more precious then anything we can give or get as a present.

This year I am so thankful for the love in my life. My sister is a wonderful mother to my nephew who never ceases to amaze me with that little smile of his and the older I get is not only a sister but a friend. Her husband who has been a blessing on my sister and our family and is one of the best fathers I have seen. My brother who courageously walks through life and takes new challenges on. My mother who has her ups and downs, but really at the end of the day loves us more then we could ever imagine, and is my best friend. Matt who has been a wonderful surprise in my life and makes me want to be an even better person. Of course I can not leave out my dad, we may not have the greatest relationship and it may never be great, but I do love him, and I pray for him everyday.

This year, instead of the money we spend, lets dedicate this next year to spending more time with those we love. Make the time to say the things you always forget to say. Remember that a hug and a smile go a long way. Also remember that "I love you" are the most powerful words out there, so tell your family. It never gets old, and always fills a heart.

What does it all mean?

Some days that is a question that revolves around everything in our lives. This has been a year of so many changes, and as the new year approaches I definitely think about it all and try to make sense of most, if not all of it. This is not such an easy tasks.

I feel in some areas of my life I have come full circle. I feel better in my own skin then I think I have in a very very long time. I have mended some fences, however they could still use some paint. I have seen a few friends become new parents, and others that are struggling for that dream. I have made new friends, and some that have brought love into my life. I am learning to let go of the little things more and more everyday. Allowing myself to fail, and pick myself back up and move forward. I am realized that there is something really sacred about waking up to a new day and knowing that it is fresh and new, to not allow the past problems to cloud it.

life does throw curveballs, but we just need to learn how to handle them. This we will constantly be learning. It is not something that will ever change or go away. Life is a journey, and each part of it is something we should cherish.

Holiday season

So, it is here, it seems like it was just the summer and yet this week is Thanksgiving. I love it though. The holidays are so fun, the music, the lights. I think the only thing that is really stressing me out this year is lack of money. Money is so tight and as much as I want to spoil people I know I just can't, I don't have the money for it. So it will be thoughtful and small. I am sure the people in my life would be happy with whatever I gave them. I just like to make sure it is something they will appreciate.

I am looking forward to finally having a tree this year. It has been 3 years since I have had one and I am definitely looking forward to it.

Hopefully this New Year will just continue to bring the blessings on.

Gloomy Friday

This weather is ucky, but that's okay its Friday.

Fridays make me smile, knowing that I can break free from the grind to enjoy a weekend of sometimes nothing to most times a crowded schedule. However who can complain when the schedule involves people you love so dearly.

Things in my life are wonderful right now. I have an emotional stability that I have wanted for a long time. Back in March when I finally ended my last relationship, I got closure that I so desperately needed. It put my life into motion, a positive light. I felt free of any negativity. I had my struggles mind you, but felt better then I had in a long time. I allowed myself to have sucky and sad days, to cry, to feel my real feelings and always be true to my moods and emotions. Yes, along the way I lost a very important relationship in my life. Do I really know why at this point? No, that is the short answer. Did I do anything wrong? No. however sometimes perception is everything. I think the person I lost viewed the changes in my life not the same way I did, and that is sad. I felt that I was not enough of a friend in her eyes and that is hard. How do you fix that? I think time, space, and that is what I have chosen.

In the end I think I am a wonderful friend to all that I care for and it was truly sad that this had to happen. However I feel walking away was the best thing at this point in my life, and from reactions I have seen since this happened, I could not believe that more. I have been surprised at some of the actions I have seen. I just know in my heart that it all works out the way it is supposed to.

Finding peace about an issue is hard when you don't truly know what the issue was. However learning to accept yourself where you are at is a huge step. To be truly happy is an amazing thing.

I have wonderful friends, an amazing person that I am loving getting to know more and more everyday, and family that is just amazing.

Life is good.. no.. life is GREAT.

"Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now"

~ lyrics to falling slowly

************************************************
11/6/08

Point me home
where my heart feel safe and warm
direct me to that which I know

This world scare me
lead me to the place that feels old
like my favorite sweatshirt

Take my hand and guide me
to a secret hideaway in your arms
your scent brings me solitude

~ TF

Time for Change

I put my stereo on as I made my way to the gym to hear the end of Barack Obamas acceptance speech. My heart was indeed full.

Today marks the start of a new era. As an american I have a spring in my step today. If you supported McCain now is the time to let that go and realize that Obama sympbolizes something greater then we can imagine. This country elected an african american president. This is a country that was knee deep in slavery for far to long and last night, we came together as a nation to elect Barack Obama. I feel that there is a shift in this country for the first time in a long time. People are finally saying, enough! We need to take control of this country again, bring it back to the bare bones and rebuild the futures of our children.

Will Barack have what it takes? Is this the change we need? I know these are all questions we are all asking. The real answer is we will not know for a while. I just have to have faith that it will all be for the best. I am sure he will make decisions I do not agree with, but that is life. That happens in all relationships in my life.

We have been drowned in racism for far to long. Last night has shown that this country has become more blended then ever. I could not be prouder to be an american the this morning.

I know it will not all be roses, and we should not let the historical meaning of last night cloud our vision of a better future. I only pray that Barack Obama will prove himself and do what he can to better our world.

Letting it Happen

Letting things just happen is not always how I do things. I always tend to ask everyone in my life. What do you think about this? Is it to soon for this? I think I am learning to listen to my own head and heart more and not go by what others think I should or should not be doing. I adore my family and friends and of course what they say matters, however I spend a lot of time trying to do what others think I should and then end up more turned around sometimes then I was to start with. I think I am going to sit back, and let things flow a little more then I am used to. See what happens!

"The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want."
~ Ben Stein

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up every time we do."
~ Confucius

Baseball commercials

This is a bit of a random blog, But seriously, why during the baseball playoffs do they feel the need to have every sexual enhancement drug commercial available play, and not just once, but a few times throughout the course of the game. First Viagra then Cialis, I mean.. COME ON. My favorite thing is "If your erection lasts for more then 4 hours you should contact your doctor". Really? Perhaps you should just let your wife/significant other enjoy that! Ha! I mean, isnt the point of those drugs to get an erection, why would you complain then if you had it for 4 hours. I mean, you should be enjoying every moment of it.

The Fall, Music and Silly smiles.. Oh my

The fall is here, it seemed like one day the trees were a full green, and this weekend I noticed that BAM it was full of vibrant color. Even though the idea of winter coming after fall always makes me a bit sad, there is something about the colors changing that bring me warmth. I love the cozy feeling of a sweater on a brisk day. Being able to run around without getting sweaty. This weekend was fully of wonderful colors and unseasonably warm air. It felt so great to be outside and enjoying the day.

I found myself gearing up for this coming weekend and my gig with the band. I love how just when I am getting the urge to sing and let out some energy a gig is right around the corner. We have our new drummer with us this Saturday and we are all looking forward to jamming out. I love the new venue we play at and look forward to some good times. Darren is an amazing drummer and we are really lucky to have him. Music and singing makes me so ridiculously happy. For some reason a good beat, or inspiring lyrics can change a whole day for me. Some words lately that have got to me are:

*Lyrics to Place in this world: Taylor Swift*

I don't know what I want, so don't ask me
cause I'm still trying to figure it out
don't know what's down this road, but I'm walking
trying to see through the rain coming down
even though I'm not the only one
who feels the way I do.

*lyrics from Come on get Higher: Matt Nathanson*

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

Music is to me a drug. It lifts me up when I am down. Helps me to cry when I need to just let it out. It is a magical escape from my thoughts when they overwhelming.

Overall I had a wonderful weekend which ended on a really high note. I was pleasantly awakened Sunday evening, and have had a silly grin ever since.

Silence

Silence creeps into the room
I can feel its breath on my neck
It allows me the time to be still

It covers me with peace
touches my soul in locked away places
It allows me the time to be still

My fears subside in its calming arms
my heart beat awakens
It allows me the time to be still

~ TF

Monday in October

I woke today with a thought

okay, so it was a bunch of tiny thoughts, all mushed and jumbled together

Lots of these thoughts have been following me around lately like I am in a conga line at a wedding

except there are no fun props

and Hot Hot Hot is not being played by an overprice DJ

Welcome to my Monday and join my procession

Good thing that Tuesday is never to far away

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And since you know you cannot see yourself,
so well as by reflection, I, your glass,
will modestly discover to yourself,
that of yourself which you yet know not of.
~ William Shakespeare

I know you

Your eyes are no stranger to me
You lips ignite my desires
Your arms bring me comfort

I know you, my sweet
I know your scent, your breath
I know your spirit

In this short time, moment
I feel more passion in my bones
then a decade with another.

If today was the last day
I would feel I lived
I would feel more alive them my yesterdays

Live this moment with me

~ TF

Chemistry and all things wonderful...

Chemistry

Main Entry: chem·is·try

1: a science that deals with the composition, structure, and properties of substances and with the transformations that they undergo
2 a: the composition and chemical properties of a substance b: chemical processes and phenomena (as of an organism)
3 a: a strong mutual attraction, attachment, or sympathy b: interaction between people working together ; specifically : such interaction when harmonious or effective; team lacking chemistry>

I found the different definitions for Chemistry to be interesting. I think we all in the world of dating rely on this word/feeling. We all know that you have to have chemistry with a person you are thinking of pursuing. However have we ever stopped to think about how we decipher chemistry. How does one know what they are feeling is chemistry and not something else. Is lust considered chemistry, when we feel that butterfly feeling, is that just merely attraction. These are questions I ask myself. I think I have found that the answer is that chemistry is more then attraction, it is perhaps after a conversation over dinner, when you feel a connection in your values and likes and dislikes. It is an inner connection, it superceeds attraction of the sexual kind. I think we need to all remember that. Becuase when you are 80 years old, what matters is that deep intimate connection. Being able to sit together on the porch swing and hold hand like you did when you first got married and still know why that deep love is there. To still be able to feel that wonderful thing called chemistry.

Quotes

So in America when the sun goes down and I sit on the old broken-down river pier watching the long, long skies over New Jersey and sense all that raw land that rolls in one unbelievable huge bulge over to the West Coast, and all that road going, all the people dreaming in the immensity of it, and in Iowa I know by now the children must be crying in the land where they let the children cry, and tonight the stars’ll be out, and don’t you know that God is Pooh Bear? the evening star must be drooping and shedding her sparkler dims on the prairie, which is just before the coming of complete night that blesses the earth, darkens all rivers, cups the peaks and folds the final shore in, and nobody, nobody knows what’s going to happen to anybody besides the forlorn rags of growing old, I think of Dean Moriarty, I even think of Old Dean Moriarty the father we never found, I think of Dean Moriarty.

~ Jack Kerouac, On the Road (1957)

I was half in love with her by the time we sat down. That's the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid, you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can.

~ J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

“I'm sick of just liking people. I wish to God I could meet somebody I could respect.”

~ J.D. Salinger

Tuesday thoughts

Where do I begin today. I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head, and yes that is a scary thought. I am finally feeling more myself after my operation and been thinking alot about getting things in gear now. The surgery sidetracked me a bit and now I just want to get moving.

Lots of things have happened lately that have made me question alot. I am saddened by one, confused by another and as a whole kind of reeling. I still keep my smile on and my wits about me, however it has been hard this week to stay chipper.

We all change as we grow, and we all hope that it is for the better and that we are more complete as people from the things we learn. Sometimes though along the way relationships in our lives change. Friendships we have had for years and cherish can change too, and sometimes weathering that storm is not always easy. I have come to find that out recently. I would have to say I am not normally speechless, but as of late I feel I am at a standstill.

Seems that things are a bit out of my control. That is not a problem for me, as life tends to throw us curveballs. I guess I am just learning how to lay low a bit and see where all the pieces fall.

I have so many questions. I guess time will tell with them all. I wish I had the gift of extreme patience.

The Bucket List

I have been coming right home from work this week and resting as I am still recovering from surgery, and finally now that the cooler weather is here and fall is on the way, I am using my netflix subscription. So last night after doing some much needed laundry, I sat down with "The Bucket List", this movie stars two of my favorite actors, Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman and is about two cancer patients given 6 months to a year to live. Now it got horrible reviews, however I am not one to go by reviews and I tend to rent it and see how it makes me as the viewer feel. So there I am, all comfy in my jammies, heating pad on my ear and ready to dig in to this feature. I would have to say I thoroughly enjoyed it, however if you are not a fan of Jack then you tend to not like allot of his movies. For me though, he has such a way of delivering lines and I definitely found myself laughing and yes, crying since I am a pathetic sap.

There is one point in the movie where they are in Egypt looking over at a pyramid and Morgan Freemans Character goes into one of his.. "did you know" moments. It struck me because he said the following:

“You know, the ancient Egyptians had a beautiful belief about death. When their souls got to the entrance to heaven, the guards asked two questions. Their answers determined whether they were able to enter or not. ‘Have you found joy in your life?’ 'Has your life brought joy to others?’”

He asked Jack's character these questions and I found myself for a while after the movie thinking about this. I think it is a question we should all ask ourselves. Sometimes we are so selfish, it is a me society. We walk around this world and want to feel good, be happy, make more money etc. I think sometimes we forget to give back to the world and the people in it. I know I have found joy in my life, there are memories I have from my past that somehow go even beyond that feeling, and then there are the tiny moments of joy in my day that I hold on tight to. When I get to the second part of the question it gets tougher for me to answer. Has my life, my existence here brought joy to others, I hope the answer is yes, and there are times that I know the answer is yes. It is kind of a humbling question. If I say yes, am I being presumptuous, am I assuming that I am bringing people joy. I think the best way for me to answer it is that I make a conscious effort to be aware of my world and the people around me, to try and bring joy and smiles to those I come in contact with everyday. I think that is the most honest answer. I want to hope that at the end of my life I have made someone smile on a bad day, or even caused them to giggle at something I have said. I also hope that I truly feel in my heart that joy that we all should feel.

If you have not seen this movie, I would say rent it. It made my soul feel good, gave me a good cry that I probably needed and reminded me of some things that I tend to forget.

Life is such a precious gift.

Pain pain go away

So, it is 4 days after my surgery, and while I am supposed to be going back to work tomorrow that is now not going to happen since I have to stay on the Percocets. I have had extreme pain the last few days and no real reason why. A Tympanoplasty normally does not cause pain after the first two days, however I have had lots of ear pain. So today has been frustrating as I had to listen to the on call doctor tell me I had to wait til tomorrow AM to talk to my doctor. So tomorrow I have to try and get in there in the AM when my mother can drive me as I can not drive on narcotics. Man, my mother deserves a wonderful dinner after how she has been the last few days. I have really needed someone and she has been there. She is so selfless, I am extremely lucky to have a mother that I am best friends with.

When I am fully back on my feet I will have to show her a nice evening.

So, hopefully I will be up and running and able to sing this coming weekend. We have two gigs, and one is important as it is a new location. So I am trying to really relx and take care of myself.

Most of you know I am not good at not doing anything. Being home has driven me pretty batty, however it is always good for me to have some down time.

Well on that note, the percs are kicking in and I am going to try and get a full nights sleep.

Post Surgery update

Thanks to everyone for the well wishes. I am doing well. The srgery was a success, although I have had lots of pain, thank goodness for perks. I have been taking them every four hours on the hour and it has been helpful. I have only been able to sleep for about 3-4 hours at a time. However it all went well and I want to make sure to take care of myself and get as much rest as possible.

I am heading back to work on Monday AM, so trying to do what I can to make sure I dont need the pain meds on Monday. As they definitely frown on driving when on narcotics. :)

Well speaking of which, time once again for me to zonk out again.

Thanks again for being so awesome and supportive. Hopefully I will be back to my old self very shortly.

Monday Morning talk

This weekend was a really nice one, Friday night I went to the gym with my friend Sarah then took her out to dinner. It was really nice, and good to spend sometime with her. Saturday I cleaned a bit in the AM, while making keilbasa in the slow cooker to bring to my family get together. My Uncle Thomas was here from England with his wife Jill and my cousin Oliver who is now *gasp* 21. It was such a nice time. I got on the trampoline with my nephew Isaac for a while and that was a riot, he loves to jump now since he has been taking gymnastics. Then my crazy family all started to play soccer outside, and then the rain came, and it was literally pouring, and they are all out there playing still. It was great, I definitely took some pictures of that. That night I went to Southie to see my friend Dawn and Graemes new condo and out for some drinks with them. Sunday I had a nice lunch and then an impromptu stop at Michelles that turned into pedicures and dinner. Overall I would have to say it was a really great weekend.

I am preparing to have sugery on Wednesday AM. I have had this ear surgery before, however I always get nervous. There is always a chance you can go deaf, although it is a small chance I still worry. Singing is practically everything to me, it is my outlet, and to lose hearing would not be a good thing. I have 100% faith in my surgeon, and he has been doing my ear, nose and throat operations since I was 2 years old.

I look forward to this being my last surgery and being able to move forward on a few things. This had put a slight halt on things, and looking to get the train moving!

:) Happy Monday all! Be good!

When Soft Voices Die

MUSIC, WHEN SOFT VOICES DIE

MUSIC, when soft voices die,
Vibrates in the memory;
Odours, when sweet violets sicken,
Live within the sense they quicken.

Rose leaves, when the rose is dead,
Are heap'd for the belovèd's bed;
And so thy thoughts, when thou art gone,
Love itself shall slumber on.

by: Percy Bysshe Shelly (1792-1822)

I was thinking of my nana today, and looking up music quotes. I turned up with "Music, when soft voices die, Vibrate in the memory" and it gave me a chill and brought a tear to my eye. It brought me right back to the night my nana passed away from cancer and the pain and yet since of relief that was there. The room was peaceful, and the beautiful CD she loved was playing in the background. My Grandad was stroking her face so gently and the love that lasts a lifetime was in his eyes as they glistened from his tears. Tons of my family surrounded her bed, and as she was passing on to her maker we all held hands and prayed the Our Father together. Being the musical family we are we moved on to singing Amazing Grace. I get a feeling in my soul now just thinking about that beauty of that moment. I have never felt such a since of peace and sorrow all at the same time. I believe everyday that she is my guardian angel and she watches me grow. I hope that I have made her proud and that she knows just how much her presence in my life has affected me throughout my days and will continue to as I move on and become a mother and then someday a nana as well.

Beautiful end

Wow, what an amazing weekend we had. The weather was so wonderful. Lots of good times with family and friends..

*sigh* I do love the fall, but there is always something about the summer ending that leaves me a bit bummed. I would have to say this summer was the most interesting and probably the most eye opening. I definitely learned alot about myselfe and life in general.

Time for the fall though, the leaves changing color, apple picking, walks on the beach with a big sweatshirt, Hot cocoa weather. See, there are many things to look forward too!

Lets just hope we dont get to much snow this winter.

Be..

Be my song, be the words that I sing
Be the truth, be the one in my dreams when I sleep
Hold my hand,in my heart your fears I keep

Be my laughter, be the smile that brightens my face
Be my soul, be the one to hold me when my heart aches
Hold my hand, I am here whatever it takes

Be my friend, be the one I share my desires with
Be my hope, be the one that shows me a new way
Hold my hand, be the last person I see at the end of my day

Hold my hand and just be

~ TLF

Learning to let go

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.
-- Joseph Campbell

Letting go, always a challenge in life. It is human nature to want to plan our life out and have it happen just the way we want. However life intervens. We got through pain and hurt, love begins and love ends, people we love get sick and die. We realize we have no control. This all drives us crazy. I hate not having control, but have found peace with letting it go.

It is what it is. *laugh* that statement drives some people crazy, but it is true. Some things are out of our hands. What we can do is wake up each day and say to the world "what have you got for me". Walk the life we feel is best, love others and live honestly. That is truly all we can expect from people.

I can not make someone like me, or make someone my puppet to do what I want when I want, feel what I want when I want them to feel it. This is not reality.

I instead walk each day knowing that I will have the best in life, and so will those that I care for.

Recipe for success

A GREAT RECIPE...

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile.
It is the ultimate anti-depressant.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Talk to God about
what is going on in your life. Buy a lock if you have to.

3. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement,
My purpose is to __________ today. I am thankful for______________'

4. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that
is manufactured in plants.

5. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan
salmon, broccoli , almonds & walnuts.

6. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

7. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues
of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead
invest your energy in the positive present moment.

8. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a
college kid with a maxed out charge card.

9. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

10. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

11. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

12.You are not so important that you have to win every argument.
Agree to disagree.

13. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

14. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their
journey is all about.

15. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

16. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years,
will this matter'

17. Forgive everyone for everything.

18. What other people think of you is none of your business.

19. GOD heals everything - but you have to ask Him.

20. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

21. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends
will. Stay in touch!!!

22. Envy is a waste of time.? You already have all you need.

23. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements:
I am thankful for __________. Today I accomplished _________.

24. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

25.When you are feeling down, start listing your many blessings.
You'll be smiling before you know it.

A refreshing realization

It is amazing to me that at 32 I still learn things about myself that perhaps at first I am not happy with, but as the discovery unfolds actually makes me like myself more. I know the older we get we will learn more about the mistakes we have made in the past and the choices that led to some of the things that happened. I just never realized just how wrong I was in some areas of my life. I have not regrets to the things I have done because they have all made me who I am and I can look in the mirror and truly appreciate who I have become as a women.

A very close friend recently made me aware of something. I am not going to go into detail as it is very personal. However the moment she mentioned it, I took my blinders off and realized she was right. I was avoiding truly recognizing the disconnect in that area and it made me look at the situation a different way. I will have to thank her when I see her, because she was absolutely right.

Today I woke up with a really big smile on my face, since that realization has lead to another eye opener. I am not even going to think about it anymore, I am just going to enjoy this ridiculous grin and this even more ridiculously beautiful day.

I guess, my moral to this mysterious story is that we should sometimes step outside and listen to a friend pointing something out. They really could be on to something. Beautiful surprises are around every corner. If we take the time to see what is blocking us from them perhaps we would all be smiling alot more in life.

"Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead."
Charles Bukowski (1920 - 1994), From "Betting on the Muse"

Maine, Thinking and Horses.. Oh My..

HELLLLOOOOOO!

Did you miss me while I was gone?

I was on vacation last week, way up in Greenville Maine. That is Moosehead Lake Region and it was absolutely just what the doctor ordered. I spent time hiking, going for a bike ride, horseback riding, and spent Thursday doing absolutely nothing but reading on the deck all day before meeting my comrades for dinner a a BBQ place down the road. It was amazing. I dont remember a day when I did that. I was so still at one moment that a bird landed on my knee, the moment it realized I was a person it took off pretty fast. It was so quiet, and I could hear the birds chirping and at one point heard possibly what was either a moose or a dear eating bark out past the yard.

I had been going nonstop since I can remember, and to take the time to just not doing anything was amazing. I decided then that I was going to take one day out of every month and do just that.

Oh, and I actually did some work on that book I am trying to write, I think I might be on to something.

I did alot of thinking up there, and really regrouped and realized the things that are important to me. I came back feeling happier then I have been in a long time. A peace that was so refreshing. I know the things I want to work on personaly and professionally, and also that I need to learn to slow down sometimes. Life is not a race, it is the journey that is the most important.

Well I will write more later this week, but just wanted to drop a line and add a picture or two!

Til then, be good to each other.

Summer fun with friends and family

This weekend was really lovely. Saturday I went to Salem NH, to my best girls and her fiancees house on the lake. She had a cookout and they always prove to be great times with amazing people. I got to see my nephew, sister and brother in law and my mother. It was really nice to catch up with everyone and just enjoy some relaxation. It made me really look forward to my vacation. I leave for Maine on Saturday morning and I could not be more ready to get away, clear my head and regroup. It is time for that once again. I am packing my bike, lots of books and bringing my computer so I can get some writing in. I hope we have good weather, but when it rains I will take advantage of that quiet time.

I got some kayaking in at Heathers and it was so nice. I am thinking I am buying myself one for Christmas this year. I really enjoy it. It is so peaceful out on the lake.

Enjoy some photos from the day!

Oh Life.. what a funny funny thing

I woke up today happy with some choices I have made. However sometimes even though I know they are right it does not make it easier.

I am solid and secure in who I am and what I have to offer this world. I vowed a while ago to always be true to my feelings and what I need. it is not always easy to walk away from certain situations, but when you know it is for your own good it makes it more bearable.

I dont want to live life with regrets, everyday should be lived as real and as honestly as possible. Being true to your heart is hard, because we try to rationalize alot in life, when in the end if we just listen to our heart it always has the right answer in there somewhere.

life is definitely a funny thing, I have peace of mind in knowing that making solid decisions in my life has led to not only the happiness I have now but will lead to continued happiness in my future. I am surrounded by angels in my life, friends and family, and blessed to know what love is from all different angles. I am a very lucky women and thank God everyday for what I have. I know that my tomorrows will be filled with ups and downs, but that the downs will always be outshined by the good times.

We need to not look at situations as a roadblock, but to find the way around it and to use it in a positive way in your life. Put the lessons learned into action.

Enough of my ramblings for one day, I am off to enjoy this beautiful day and spend it with some of my favorite people. Be well, and be good to each other.

*sigh* Sorry boys.. I am now off the market! :) ha!

Yes.. Bret is my new Boyfriend. *laugh*

It was a GREAT night, my Friend Susan and I had a bit of fun! Okay, a heck of a lot of fun!







Now though.. Tara is VERY tired!

Thursdays with Tara

Morning!

Thursday August 7th, really?? where did the summer go, it seems to just drift by. Could be that I am much more relaxed this time of year, and always in better spirits when the sun is shining. Today however is a rather gloomy day, and I hope it improves a tad.

Tonight my friend Susan and I are going to Poison, Dokken and Sebastian Bach. Thats right, it is back to the 80s night for us. Should be a GREAT show, and then we are actually going to Bret Michaels after party which should prove to be an interesting evening. No worries, I have my camera here and I will be taking many pictures! :)

I have been having a really busy week. Sadly my band found out a few weeks ago that we are losing our drummer Paul. He and his family are moving to Texas. We have spent the last 3 nights auditioning drummers. It has been interesting and included a guy that "drove big trucks" (yes my friends, that is a direct quote). However, last night we had a great guy come in and audition. We are hoping it will be a good fit for all of us as we move forward into our fall gigs.

Overall the last few months have been great. Good times with friends and family, and just enjoying the last few weeks of summer. I do have to say I am looking forward to the fall, I love the leaves changing color and apple picking. Being able to put on a warm sweater and watch the sun go down. Ah yes, sorry, I am getting all romantic on you here.

Enjoy Thursday my friends and be good to each other!

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."
-Eleanor Roosevelt

The best way to know the answer...

Is to just ask. Now with that being said I know most of us avoid uncomfortable conversations becuase lets be honest, it is easier sometimes not knowing the answer. Also another reason is we dont want to make someone else feel uncomfortable. However at the end of the day you have to think of what is important to you. Do you need to know? If so then the only way is to ask. It is better to say what you feel, what is on your mind then to keep it in. I know for me, this drives me batty, I hate the not knowing. Sometimes the answer is not what we want to hear, but at the end of the day I know I never regret asking.

Honesty is always the best policy. You do have to be aware of other peoples feelings, however you have to be upfront with them and yourself. I find that we tend to bottle things thinking it might work itself out. Some of us are lucky and it does, while others just become passive.

Open, and honest communication is always the best policy in my life. I know that, and still I also fight it. It is a constant learning experience.

They did say to enjoy the ride! :)

Lyrics Time: Come on get higher

So, here I am once again with the lyrics, I love songs, and certian songs just resonate with me on certain days. This one did today. It was covered by a country band I like and originally done by Matt Nathanson, who I really like as well.

This is the chorus:

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

** I mean seriously, when I heard this I was like, Yeah, that is exactly how I want to feel. It just described the passion you should have for someone. That feeling of just wanting to be completely covered with there love and affection. I look forward to that feeling someday. I know it is out there, we should all feel that way about the person we are with.

Anyway, here are all the lyrics to "come on get higher". Download either the Sugarland version or if you dont like country the Matt Nathanson version, so great!
*************************************

I miss the sound of your voice
And I miss the rush of your skin
And I miss the still of the silence
As you breathe out and I breathe in

If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what's next
Make you believe
Make you forget

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

I miss the sound of your voice
The loudest thing in my head
And I ache to remember
All the violent, sweet
Perfect words that you said

If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what's next
I'd make you believe
I'd make you forget

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

I miss the pull of your heart
I could taste the sparks on your tongue
I see angels and devils
And God, when you come on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on

Sing sha la la la
Sing sha la la la la

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me, drown me in love

It's all wrong, it's all wrong,
it's so right
So come on, get higher
So come on and get higher
'Cause everything works, love
Everything works in your arms

Your the cheese for my macaroni...

Okay, so while I was home recovering from surgery my friend came over who I had not seen in way to long and brought with her Juno, which is a movie, but I tend to call it the experience. From the first scene I was smitten with this girl, her sarcasm oozed all sorts of goodness and she made me belly laugh which is always a plus. Not sure if you have seen this movie, but it is fantastic. I will be buying this as I think it deserves like your favorite ice cream to be enjoyed many times.

Truly you have to watch this movie. I think it was amazing.

So, being off to recover for surgery was really good for me, it definitely forced me to slow down. Did it keep me there, not really, I came back to work yesterday then had band practice, and it seems I am off and running again. I definitely need to remember that I need to take some time to just be alone. I really enjoyed reading, watching movies, spending time with my cats, I felt more relaxed then I have in a long time this past week and a half. It was nice to have a bit of solitude.

I am looking forward to heading up to Maine on vacation on the 16th. That will be another week of just relaxing. I will hike, kayake, and just have a great time. I loved being up there last year, it was a time in my life when I needed to decompress and put some things in perspective a bit. So I am hoping it will have that same affect on me this year.

*********************************************************************************

Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself and know that everything in this life has a purpose. ~ Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Happiness is...

Sunny days.. great friends.. a nice breeze and walk.. ice cream...

The sound of thunder....

simple things..make me smile...

Ugh.. it does feel like the flu

So, they said it would feel like having he flu, and they were right. I feel so stuffy and heady today. Although I would have to say the pain is not as bad, I just feel like a truck ran me over. That is to be expected though so.

Today I will at least get out to lunch with a friend, think that might be it though. I really do not want to overdo it today. I want to be able to try and get out for a bit tomorrow too, however I want to make sure I get better. I dont want to overdo it and then have to back track with my recovery. I definitely have reached a breaking point most days where I was like.. yep.. I am done.

So hopefully as the days go on I start to feel better more and more. I can only imagine that will happen.

Well, off to lie down again!

:)

Post Surgery : Day 2

So I had my Septoplasty and Turbinate reduction. It went really well. I was surprised. I felt great yesterday and only had to take my pain medication when I went to sleep. I slept on the couch so I could be elevated. It was okay, I woke every few hours, and then would dose off again. Overall I rested pretty well. There is only swelling on my nose, but no bruising which is really great. I have my post op appointment tomorrow, they told me to take some pain meds before going since they clean it out and it is uncomfortable. Sounds fun huh!

Today is okay, I am a bit sore, and tired off and on, but for the most part okay. I seem to be healing really well and that makes me happy. I definitely feel it more today though, and that is expected.

Actually right now I am going to lay back and watch some useless TV.

*Enter Full Belly laugh here*

I make myself laugh so hard sometimes.. ah.. it feels so good to laugh though. :)

Orange Marmalade makes me smile

Today I had to smile to myself. I love sweet memories from the past with my nana, and today I wanted an english muffin for breakfast and decided to put Orange Marmalade on it. This always makes me think back to breakfast downstairs with Nana. She was always so particular about her breakfast. It was either a grapefruit and her tea, or toast with Orange Marmalade. I used to watch her prepare her breakfast, she would have her tea steeping til it was nice and strong and add her honey to it with just a bit of milk. Then if she was eating a grapefruit she would slice it in half on a plate, sometimes put a little bit of sugar on it, and she would so delicately use her spoon to take a piece out. If she had an english muffin she would slowly spread the butter on and then make sure every corner of it had marmalade on it. She was always so meticulous about how she did things. I still am in awe when I think back to how she would move through her day. She had such a natural grace. I have tried in my adulthood to emulate her and think in a situation what she would do.

My mother reminds me more and more of my Nana and it really amazes me. My Nana and I were beyond best friends, there was a bound there that no one will ever touch. It has been about 13 years since she past and not a day goes by when something does not remind me of her. I believe she is my guardian angel watching over me. The lessons I learned from her have continued to be a constant presence in my life.

If your Nana is alive give her a big squeeze, and think about all the memories you will cherish someday.

"Grandmas hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our hearts forever"

Monday Mornings

Monday mornings always seem to sneak up on is. I slept great even though I am starting to get nervous about my surgery. I know it will all be fine, it has just been a while since I had any surgery around my face and it just makes me a bit uneasy.

My sister will drop me off, and then my mother will come get me, bring me to get my fantastic pain pills. Then it is off to my couch to recoup, sleep, drool (I know.. attractive huh). I guess I just hate not knowing how long til I feel better. Hopefully I can convince my friends to come and rescue me on the weekend.. even for a drive. Otherwise I might lose my mind.

This past weekend was really nice. Drinks with work friends on Friday night, dinner with old friends on Sat night, and Sunday was a baby shower for my friend Lindsay who now lives in Vegas with her hubby Paul. It was so nice to see her. Last night I just went to the grocery store since I needed to stock my fridge for after my operation. Then it was silly moves, the end of High Fidelity and then Legally Blonde. Yes, it was some heavy stuff. Then a great nights sleep.

I had a tough week last week. Those that know me well know that. Between finding out I was having surgery, some stuff with my dad, and other things, I was a bit emotional. Not always good for me since it makes me overanalyze even the great things that are going on in my life. I have some great things going on.. family, friends, new friends, and just some possible really nice beginnings. The hard part is when I am feeling this way I tend to push people in my life away, and I dont even know when I am doing it til after I open my mouth. By then it is too late. I need to learn to process my thoughts better and take time to work through them alone at first. I am getting better at that I feel though, and that shows true growth as a person.

Life is a constant learning curve, however I feel the older I get the better I am at understanding what I need and want in all areas of my life. Sometimes I just lose sight of it all.

So, this time off becuase of my surgery will be really nice for me. Give me some time to just be relaxed.

Happy Monday all, I hope this week starts off to be a good one for you all.

Happy thoughts on a beautiful day

Since yesterdays blog was a bit heavy, sorry kids, I decided to add some happy thoughts to my blog on a day that is full of sunshine and promise.

Happiness some people think is something to attain, such as, if I get that promotion I will be happy, or that job, that car, meet the right person to settle down with, buy a house.. etc. However true happiness is being able to be okay with where you are and what you do have, finding that moment that you can just be at peace with it all.

I always revert back to children when I think about this, I think about there simplicity. I mean really, did you not notice that there can be a playroom full of toys for a child, and where do you hear the banging noise coming from? The kitchen, there they are on the ground near the cabinets.. banging the pots and laughing away. It makes me laugh just thinking about the things I found fun in as a child.

For instance I will never forget this moment. My mother worked nights so she could be home with us during the day, it was one of the many sacrifices she made for us to have some sort of normalcy. Well that would mean that she would still be asleep sometimes when we came in from school. So we would watch TV and do our homework.. haha.. no really, we sometimes did our homework. Anyway, on this one particular day we decided what a GREAT idea it would be to take the ladder from the bunk beds and we would each get in a hole and be a train with my brother Will as the conductor. Fun times. So there we are, all laughing and running around the hall in my house trying not to fall over. Well our conductor was not the best driver in the world. So as we make what was to be our final turn around the hall, we veered ever so slight to the right and took out one of a set of really pretty, and (to us) pricey ceramic lamps in the living room. Oops. So like any good children we drop the ladder, scatter and HIDE as quickly as possible as we hear our mothers bedroom door open. She comes out, "William, Tara, Ruth Marie, get out here". No way Jose we were coming out. Then we hear the kitchen draw open.. oh no.. the wooden spoon (back when it was okay to smack your kids ever so slightly). Now it was always so humorous watching our mom try to find us and try to get us with it. Ah, my poor mother. But I tell you, those were some of the best times as kids, finding new ways to entertain ourselves. Of course we did try from then on to avoid the lamps.

So, if you feel you need to find that happiness inside of you, do what I do, take a moment or 5 and do something that reminds you of childhood. For me, a ride on the swings, watching planes or just putting my feet in the water can make it all go away.

Happy Friday...

and remember...

"You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life."

You will never change.. this I know

The man that was once my hero
my tiny hand in your palms
the chase that lasted for hours in the hall

The face that used to make me smile
The hugs that would always make me feel safe
the innocence of a child

Those days are memories that I will always feel
however my days now move on
I want to believe your words again, but I cant

Understand I love you, and I always will
Daddy's little girl I can not be, I have to let it go
Please let my heart be free.

***********************************************

Love sometimes means letting go. Our ideals sometimes can not be what we want. Someone can say they are sorry, and eventually it becomes words that are not followed by actions. I hope that at the end of the day when I speak to God that he hears the breaking of my heart and he heals it every time.

Fathers.. love your children even when they are adults, there is always a little girl (or boy) inside that remembers.

Momentary

The breeze moves through my hair and sends a chill down my spine

I see the ocean move with it as if they are dancing

The sand feels soft and cool beneath my toes as it always does on a summer evening

There is a silence in the air, a peace that rescues me

sea foam hits my toes and tickles the tips

as the moon seems to float on a cloud and bounce light off the water

There is a song in my mind that I hum ever so softly

I hold my knees to my chest and the wonder of it all folds over me

this tranquility touches my heart and I breath in this moment

I want to bottle this and take it out when I need to see the simplicity of life

to feel this embrace of comfort and solitude

this momentary place, builds the memories of our soul

Oh my, fun times ahead with a Septoplasty for me

Oh yes folks!

I found out I need to have 2 operations. The first will be next Wednesday July 16th. I am having a Septoplasty, and turbinate reduction, which will be served with a nice Cabernet. *smile*

Read more about is all here! It is riveting really!

http://www.ghorayeb.com/SeptumSurgery.html

Then after a month of full recovery I get to have a Tympanoplasty, which is the more urgent surgery (perforation in eardrum wall), however I have to have the deviated Septum done first in order for both to be successful.

http://www.aurorahealthcare.org/yourhealth/healthgate/getcontent.asp?URLhealthgate=%2214877.html%22

It all stinks, however in the end will not only be great for me and my health in the long run, but will also have positive affects on my singing and speaking voice, which is an added bonus.

So, between the 16th and the 25th, I will be accepting LOTS of ice cream donations and if anyone wants to stop by and watch movies with me then that is allowed as well! :) Since I know I will be bored out of my mind.

hhhmmmm Fireworks

going off in places other then the sky.. making my heart pitter patter a bit.. and smile from ear to ear. Yes, it makes me really happy.

Fireworks: The lovely lights

Fireworks make my heart dance, the colors, the sounds, there is just something so magical about it. Watching the eyes of people around you as the colors flood the sky and fill it with light.

Makes me feel like a child again, and the wonder of it all, for a moment things stop and all I feel is excitement waiting to see what the next one will look like.

I find the pleasure in small moments such as this that bring me back to my center. Allowing me to stop.

Life is so busy, I love the times that slow me down and allow me to smile and enjoy. *enter I am a big dork here*

Happy 4th of July all!

Summertime

Summertime always brings a smile to my face. Something about feeling the warmth on your shoulders, watching kids play in the ocean, hearing people enjoying life. It seems that the moment the winter fades we all come out of our cocoon like state and enter the world again.


The little things make me smile:


Seeing the church from my living room window erupt with weddings, people starting there lives together.


The dogs playing on the grass and knowing that there owners are just glad it is a temperature that does not require a jacket.


I love just being able to put my shades up and have the sun come through, it just makes everything that might be bothering me at the time go away. It opens my eyes to new beginnings, change.


I always imagined what it would be like to live outside of New England and how I would deal with the seasons not changing. I just can not even think of what that might be like. The first snowfall always seems so magical, and there is something so amazing about watching the first flowers bloom. The smell of the cherry blossoms as you walk down the street, it almost seems to follow you.


I just think we are blessed to have these seasons, and that for all of us they have different meanings and some hold very powerful memories for us. Some remember the flowers on there wedding day and how they seemed to be so full of life, while others remember having to say goodbye to a loved one and walking out to see the sun peek through the clouds knowing there is something bigger then us that brings the peace we need.


I would have to say though that the one thing I really love about the seasons it that the moment we start to take it for granted it is already changing and surprising us.

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Summer afternoon - summer afternoon; to me those have always been the two most beautiful words in the English language. ~Henry James

Learning to be silent (inspired by 10 minutes)

I think today I learned a valuable lesson on silence. Not the type of silence you may think though. I do not mean not knowing when to talk, but knowing what to talk about and for how long.

I have never been one to hold back feelings or emotions, however I think I am learning more that I need to remember that sometimes it can be too much too soon. Taking a step back and knowing that I do not need to know all the answers in one moment, that sometimes the great part of language is the words that are unspoken, the mystery in not knowing it all right away.

Silence can be a gift, a moment that you take the time to not say what you are thinking, and to trust that the answer to that unspoken thought will come eventually.

Thank you Mr. 10 minutes, you made me think alot tonight, and in those thoughts I came to an answer I never even thought was there.

I went from someone who thought saying it all in one moment was a good thing, to realizing that there is a sweetness in the mystery of it all, that those little moments and quiet times where you dont know what someone is thinking can actually be nice and a wonderful, comfortable silence.


“There are times when silence has the loudest voice”
~ Leroy Brownlow

Birthdays and thoughts and a quote, oh my

Who am I you ask?

I am 32 (ugh) as of Saturday the 21st of June, and I feel fabulous. The night was full of eggs flying in the air, and shrimp tails being thrown at me (we went to a Japanese Steakhouse) and then amazing vocal styling happened in the ever so wonderful and cheezy lounge downstairs, that would not have been complete without the typical man in his 50's singing Frank Sinatra and dancing with me. Good times were had by all. Age is just what they say, merely a number, most days I feel 5 and still love to go to the park and swing like I am going to fly into the clouds.

I work at a consulting firm in Boston with wonderful people, I also sing in a Rock cover band off the south shore called "Too Loud" and I absolutely love it

Some things I love and random thoughts:
Music and singing: The power of music still amazes me and makes me feel alive. When I am performing with my band it makes any other worry on my mind just melt away

My nephews laughter: brings such a peace to my soul

My family: I cherish them more now that I know the sacrifices my mother made and how far all of us have come in life.

My cats Ella and Elvis: they have a way of making my day, whether it is a snuggle on the couch or a lick on the nose, they make my cares float away

The feeling of cool grass on my feet in the spring/summertime

The smell of the air after a midday thunderstorm

The end of a soft serve cone, when the ice cream is in the crevices on the bottom. MMMmm

The ocean and its constant ability to bring me right back to my core and allow me to feel at ease about this journey we are on.

The memory of my Nana and how soft the skin on her cheek felt when she hugged me hello, and the way she would laugh at my ramblings and always encourage me to sing and make music.

On the train, when I have my ipod on shuffle and a song I have not heard in weeks pops on and it just happens to relate to something I am thinking of or dealing with at that moment.

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I have found that with my old age and craziness also comes even more of an appreciation for the simple things, the things that we take for granted when our mind is spinning out of control. These simple things vary from time to time, however the nakedness of what truly makes us happy and feeds us on a daily basis are the things that don't cost money, and are easily accessible at all times.

I will leave you now with this:

“Dance as though no one is watching you. Love as though you have never been hurt before. Sing as though no one can hear you. Live as though heaven is on earth.”

Okay.. So, my birthday happened and I am OK with it! :)

32.. yes I am 32, today is my second full day of being 32. I would have to say that I still sometimes feel 18, and act 5. Age is as they say, is just a number, however it is that one time of year you reflect on your life. I actually feel that for the first time I am not stressed about my future. I am content, happy, and actually like just living each day and seeing where it takes me. I feel relaxed about it all. I am complete, of course I would love to share this with someone, but that all comes in time and when it does come I know that I will be ready for it for the first time in my life. I think I never truly understood that you had to be whole as a person before you could really give yourself to someone else. That was something I always heard however I thought, well that is silly, we never really feel complete, and I guess to some extent that is true. But you can feel whole even when you have more you want to accomplish or things that you want to work on. Anyway, the point to all this rambling today is that I really feel good about today, and this moment I am in. It is refreshing, and a really peaceful place to be.

This year ahead will only allow me to understand myself even better with each victory and defeat, and with the happiness it will bring and the sadness. I know this is the time to enjoy, the journey is what is it l about after all.

The longer I live the more beautiful life becomes.
Frank Lloyd Wright (1869 - 1959)

This picture just makes me smile!

Seriously, how cute is the little man with his daddy. Isaac is getting so big. My sister took this on a walk with her hubby Brian. He is just getting so big.

Lyrics that stood out to me today

Being the singer I am and always relating to lyrics there are times on the train to and from work that certain lyrics hit me. Today it was this song by Carrie Underwood. Reminds me that sometimes we are always looking for something that might already be there. We chase what we think we want, only to look back and see what we had. Life is funny that way, although it is all in the bumps in this journey, and sometimes looking back makes us realize just how lucky we are. I know it seems to relate more to relationships, but I was looking at it as a bigger picture. So perhaps today I will assess my life and see all the blessings I do have and realize it is closer then I think it is.


You Won't find this

Did you check the tires
Put gas in the car
Don't think you need to much,
'cause you ain't gonna get that far
Did you pack the good times
Don't forget a map
Just in case the route you take
isn't there to take you back

You can hold any girl that you like
Fall in love when it's easy at night
But, you'll wake up wondering
why she ain't ever something better
When you're lost and run out of road
Find what I already know
In the end closer's all there is
But you won't find this
No, you won't find this

There's once in a lifetime
And there's once in a while
And the difference between the two
is about a million miles
Oh, you might get lucky
while the moon is looking up
But in the truth of the morning,
the stars will be long gone

You can hold any girl that you like
Fall in love when it's easy at night
But, you'll wake up wondering why
she ain't ever something better
When you're lost and run out of road
Find what I already know
In the end closer's all there is
But you won't find this

Happy Monday!

Hey all!

Just wanted to say Happy Monday!

Leave you with this Walt Whitman passage:

Whoever you are, I fear you are walking the walks of dreams,I fear these supposed realities are to melt from under your feet and hands,Even now your features, joys, speech, house, trade, manners, troubles, follies, costume, crimes, dissipate away from you,Your true soul and body appear before me,They stand forth out of affairs, out of commerce, shops, work, farms, clothes, the house, buying, selling, eating, drinking, suffering, dying.Whoever you are, now I place my hand upon you, that you be my poem,I whisper with my lips close to your ear,I have loved many women and men, but I love none better than you.

The Weekend is upon us!

Ah yes my friends. It is the weekend! And turning out to be a beautiful one weather wise.

On tap for Miss Tara this weekend:

Dinner with my sister and mom! She will be 60 on Sunday (my mom, not my sister :). Saturday will be spent at a BBQ for my friends adorable little girl Kailey. Sunday will bring some brunch, some Mary Kay, and more celebrating my mothers big birthday. Overall, a lovely weekend spent with family and friends that always make me smile!

This week was a busy one. I had my last Improv class. What a blast that was and I am entertaining the idea of taking more classes at the Improv Boston. Improv really challenges you to think outside the box and to not over think. It is hard when all day you are in thinking mode. To be able to just let it go and say the first thing on your mind is a task I thought was a lot easier. I recommend it to anyone who wants to be taken out of your comfort zone.

um.. yeah.. so I think that is all I have to say. I am beyond exhausted from a Red Sox game last night, followed by having to stay up and watch the celtics.

Have a GREAT weekend people :)

Beer, Hot dogs and Baseball!

Weather in the 70's, sun shining, and Red Sox tickets in hand. Tell me.. does it get any better? Nuff said!

"No game in the world is as tidy and dramatically neat as baseball, with cause and effect, crime and punishment, motive and result, so cleanly defined." ~Paul Gallico

Heat and Birthdays and more Heat.. Oh My

It is so odd to have this kind of heat in early June. I just hope it is not setting us up for a really hot summer. I love the sun, and I love the heat. But humidity kills me and if I can not be outside because it is too hot it really annoys me. But I can not complain, we have not seen any rain and seeing the sun shine always makes me happy!

So I am a bit anxious lately. Not really sure where it is coming from, possibly from many different directions, however I am sure it has everything to do with June 21st. I will be 32 in exactly 11 days. Ugh, even typing that made my chest feel tight. Why does this happen? I am better now in my life then I ever have been. I am confident in who I am becoming. I guess it has to do with where I thought I would be at 32. Perhaps I would already have been married and had a few rug rats running around, possibly be a soccer mom (no minivan though). Am I disappointed with where I am? I would say that I am not, I think my path has been just the way it was meant to be. I also think not having those things yet is actually a great thing. I think that I will be a better wife and mother when that day comes based on the things I have went through in life.

Perhaps it is making me anxious as well because I have come to some personal realizations. None that I want to get into on a public forum such as this. However lets just say that it makes me realize that I need to not try so hard to be accepted, that the ones that really care for me accept me just as I am. That the person I portray sometimes is not who I really am, and it is me trying to cover up for my insecurities. I want to be true to me, and let the vulnerable side be there, not let it scare me so much. I guess letting go sometimes means that we can not be who we think we should be, that we need to nurture and feed the person we are, faults and all. We are not perfect, I am definitely not perfect. I want to be me, even with the yucky stuff we all carry from our past. However knowing that tomorrow is a new day, we need to own our past and create a new day. There is not reason to bring what happened before to the now. We learned from everything and it is what makes up who we are now.

Anyway, yes, I do continue to babble. However at the end of the day, I just hope that I am making the best decisions for me. I want to look back on it all as a wonderful journey, full of silly mistakes, and amazing blessings.

I don't want to ever take this life I have for granted. The friends and family that I have had in my life for 32 years. The people that make me stronger just for knowing them. There are so many things I am thankful for as I look toward another year. Mostly I am just thankful to be here, so be able to be a player in this world.

Yucky Yucky Blah Blah Poo!

Ha! yes, that is how I feel today. The weather is just icky poo, and I have to walk over to Improv class. However I would have to say that at least (hopefully) I will be laughing once I get there. If not it means my instructor is BAD! :)

It all started with waking up late because I shut my alarm off and fell back to sleep, and then I just could not get it together to get out the door, and I am all womanly today (you know what THAT means), and trying to eat healthy with all this working out. Well dammit I just want CHOCOLATE!

Today is a go back under the covers day and wait til tomorrow!

but.. alas, life continues when you are feeling icky blickity!

So.. I charge ahead. Because my friends.. This too shall pass! :)

On a cheery note.. it IS Wednesday and that means the weekend is right around the corner.. Ya Hoooooooooo

Applying Make up while driving?!

Okay so today on my merry way to work *imagine me humming a tune*. I am backed up on the on ramp to Route 3 per normal, and what do I see, well behind me the lady was applying her make up.

I always look at these people and wonder, what made them think that was a good idea? Who says, well instead of waking up 5 minutes earlier, I will just apply my make up in the car. Really? Do you think that is smart. Especially if you are behind me?

So I am watching her through my rear view mirror, and there she goes, applying foundation, oh.. and then it was time for powder. Lovely. Then she applies her blush. The whole thing fascinates me.

Lets be real people, if I applied my make up while driving, I would probably look like this:



Some people might find that to be an improvement. *note - I would totally rock that hat*

Or, in another scenario I would end up like this:

So please, take the time to set your alarm for earlier and do your make up, or do it at work. Save me the aggravation that it would take to get out of my car when you rear end me. If you are really that lazy, why not try that make up tattooing, might do you and the world a favor ;)

Be safe silly people!

Memorial Day, and life etc..

Why hello people!

I know it has been awhile, and I have not blogged. Could it be that I finally had nothing to say? Nope, that is definitely not the case, ask anyone that knows me I can TALK. ;)

So what is going on with me lately. I am working hard, or hardly working (depending on who you ask).

On a really fun note, I signed up for an improv comedy workshop with the Boston Center for Adult Education and had my first class on Wednesday night. I must say that it was SO much fun. I was a tad nervous because I signed up alone and was feeling a bit shy. However the group that I am with are all great. There is one lonely man, although I am sure he is not complaining, and the women in the class are so great. I have done allot of the ice breaker type games that we did there before in musical theater, and it was fun after a day of work to really just let loose. I am looking forward to the next two classes. I think if I like it I might look into taking classes that are offered by the Improv Asylum.

This past memorial day weekend was so wonderful. It started off with a lovely dinner on Friday night at the Horseshoe Pub & Restaurant in Hudson where my bands drummer Paul bartends. I met up with my friend Jeanne and her friend Sara-Jane. Saturday I was up at 5:30AM to head off to Beckett, Ma. The camp that I attended all through high school and staffed for many years after that was having its staff retreat, and because it is the 25 year the camp has been around, they invited all the old staff back. It was great, got to see lots of people, and the married couples with the kids. Where does the time go. The weather was amazing, and it was just a great place that brings back wonderful and sentimental feelings. My sister, mother and nephew Isaac attended as well and it was great to spend more time with them. Sunday AM I left there at 11:30 to head to Salem NH to my friend Matt and Heathers annual BBQ. Next year we will all be in Bar Harbor Maine to celebrate there wedding! Again, amazing weather and them living on Canobie Lake was just the icing on the cake. Monday I just tried to catch up from the week and then capped it off with drinks at the Marina with my friend Tracy. Overall it was very enjoyable.

Where is my state of mind lately. I am still trying to find it *laugh* Apparently the flight there is sold out in coach and I can not afford the first class seats. So I think I will just fly stand by and hope for the best! :)

As for some long term goals I am really going to start investing in my health, and change my eating routine, as well as finally lose the 30 pounds I want to drop and get to a place where I am happy with my body. I think I talk allot about the things I want to do and stall when it comes to putting them into action. It is time to change that pattern for good.

Other then that.. not much has been going on. :)

Have you ever had that "really bad judgement" feeling

If so, PLEASE sell me or tell me about the product that you can use to stomp it out!

Rustic Kitchen, pizza and shoes oh my!

We had a really wet weekend, however I did not let that ruin my plans.

Friday night I took my mother out to the Rustic Kitchen for dinner, we had a really wonderful time. However we always do when we go out, it was nice to have some time together and I always cherish that with her.

Saturday I woke up supermotivated, So I cleaned my apt. I mean, I did the REAL clean, I swept and washed the floors, and all then went and did my laundry and got it all put away.

Sunday consisted of going out to Breakfast, and then I met up with my Sister and brother-in-law, mother and Nephew Isaac. We were going shoe shopping for Isaac since he just started walking. It was so much fun. It is amazing to see how big he has gotten. I will post video as soon as I figure out how to. :) That was really nice, and when I got home and realized there was nothing to do and nothing on TV, I ended up going downstairs to watch "Made of honor". It is nice living about a movie theater. So all in all a nice evening, and to bed at a reasonable time.

It is great to have a relaxing weekend!

But man.. these things called Mondays sure do come around often.

The Great Wall

Ah yes, the great wall. The wall that I think is not there til, BAM something happens in my life and there it is again.. how does that happen, and why does it happen?

I find that I am in my eyes an extremely open person, I wear my heart on my sleeve, perhaps too much at times. However the moment I am in a situation that allows that heart to be vulnerable, i.e. dating someone I am crazy about, or in a situation where I can be rejected, be it professionally or in my creative life, this hideous wall builds back up. The wall that keeps me from achieving the greatness I so rightfully deserve. It prevents me from forging ahead and making the most of the talents, the love and all the other amazing things that I can offer this world.

The sad thing is that in the end it merely pushes back all the personal work I have done within myself.

Why do we have these walls? I analyze mine to death, but to what means. Perhaps for me it is not understanding fully that I deserve everything in this life. To find a love, a best friend to share this fantastic journey with. To be successful and have my voice heard in as many places as possible. To embrace and not run away from failure. It is a part of life. We are a product of not only our success in life, but of our failures as well. These all what makes us truly unique and amazing individuals.

Perhaps I need to view this wall as not something in the way, but as a reminder of my weakness, something to look at and not allow to affect me. Have that wall be a source of strength reminding me of pain that was in the past, and that the wall is what separates me from that pain, and allows me to move forward, instead of seeing it as an obstacle or something to hide behind.

The picture I attached symbolizes that in a way. I need to break through that wall, and allow others to come through as well. This journey, this path we are on is one that will lead to many discoveries, but for me I want to embrace it all.

"Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb."
~ Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)

Fairytale

Okay so I told you from time to time I would add lyrics. Well I love Sara Bareilles right now, and I was listening on the train this AM, and the lyrics to the song Fairytale made me laugh. It is a song I should listen to more! :) Enjoy!

"Fairytale"

Cinderella's on her bedroom floor

She's got aCrush on the guy at the liquor store

Cause Mr. Charming don't come home anymore

And she forgets why she came here

Sleeping Beauty's in a foul mood For shame

she saysNone for you dear prince, I'm tired today

I'd rather sleep my whole life away

than have you keep me from dreaming

[Chorus:]

'cause I don't care for your fairytales

You're so worried about the maiden though you know

She's only waiting on the next best thing

Snow White is doing dishes again cause

What else can you doWith seven itty-bitty men?

Sends them to bed and calls up a friend

Says will you meet me at midnight?

The tall blonde lets out a cry of despair says

Would have cut it myself if I knew men could climb hair

I'll have to find another tower somewhere

and keep away from the windows

Once upon a time in a faraway kingdom

Man made up a story said that I should believe him

Go and tell your white knight

that he's handsome in hindsight

But I don't want the next best thing

So I sing and hold my head down

and I break these walls round me

Can't take no more of your fairytale love

I don't care I don't care

Worry bout the maiden though you know

She's only waiting spent the whole life being graded on the sanctity of patience and a dumb

Appreciation

But the story needs some mending and a better happy ending

Cause I don't want the next best thing

No no I don't want the next best thing