Heat and Birthdays and more Heat.. Oh My

It is so odd to have this kind of heat in early June. I just hope it is not setting us up for a really hot summer. I love the sun, and I love the heat. But humidity kills me and if I can not be outside because it is too hot it really annoys me. But I can not complain, we have not seen any rain and seeing the sun shine always makes me happy!

So I am a bit anxious lately. Not really sure where it is coming from, possibly from many different directions, however I am sure it has everything to do with June 21st. I will be 32 in exactly 11 days. Ugh, even typing that made my chest feel tight. Why does this happen? I am better now in my life then I ever have been. I am confident in who I am becoming. I guess it has to do with where I thought I would be at 32. Perhaps I would already have been married and had a few rug rats running around, possibly be a soccer mom (no minivan though). Am I disappointed with where I am? I would say that I am not, I think my path has been just the way it was meant to be. I also think not having those things yet is actually a great thing. I think that I will be a better wife and mother when that day comes based on the things I have went through in life.

Perhaps it is making me anxious as well because I have come to some personal realizations. None that I want to get into on a public forum such as this. However lets just say that it makes me realize that I need to not try so hard to be accepted, that the ones that really care for me accept me just as I am. That the person I portray sometimes is not who I really am, and it is me trying to cover up for my insecurities. I want to be true to me, and let the vulnerable side be there, not let it scare me so much. I guess letting go sometimes means that we can not be who we think we should be, that we need to nurture and feed the person we are, faults and all. We are not perfect, I am definitely not perfect. I want to be me, even with the yucky stuff we all carry from our past. However knowing that tomorrow is a new day, we need to own our past and create a new day. There is not reason to bring what happened before to the now. We learned from everything and it is what makes up who we are now.

Anyway, yes, I do continue to babble. However at the end of the day, I just hope that I am making the best decisions for me. I want to look back on it all as a wonderful journey, full of silly mistakes, and amazing blessings.

I don't want to ever take this life I have for granted. The friends and family that I have had in my life for 32 years. The people that make me stronger just for knowing them. There are so many things I am thankful for as I look toward another year. Mostly I am just thankful to be here, so be able to be a player in this world.