Fraud.. it can happen to anyone

So besides being sick, and dealing with all of that. I woke up today to see that my checking account had fraudulent activity, to the sound of over 900 dollars. I was beside myself, called my bank, and since the activity is still pending they can do nothing til Monday at midnight when it does or doesnt clear. So needless to say, I had to call my management company to hold my rent check as it would bounce, and I have to patiently wait to see what happens.

I would think that my bank would see two huge deductions with my checkcard and notify me. It was a good thing I was going on line to do some banking.

Today has not been a good day and I really feel like crawling up in a ball and going back to bed.

Unanswered questions and unfinished business

It is true that sometimes things in life can come full circle. I dont like closing a door when I am not sure I am ready to. I have found that doors left slightly ajar can bring on new thoughts when reopened. I think that I learn something amazing about myself everyday with this whole new being an adult thing *laugh*. I have learned to always be authentic with how I feel and to be completely honest even when it is hard. Sometimes telling someone how you feel, how it really is in your mind and heart, is hard. However, the outcome, good or bad, is not what matters, it is having the courage to be honest with yourself and the people that you care for in life.

Endings and beginnings happen everyday, it is how we handle it all that makes us stronger people. Trust those that we know we can trust and let them see the real you. I would rather a lifetime with people who know me deeply and respect me, then live a life filled with trying to be someone different for everyone in my life.

I am truly lucky to know so many wonderful people. It amazes me the love that I have in my life. I have so much more love to give too, and that is what makes me optomistic everyday. Love is amazing, and the different kinds we have for the different people in our lives is even more then we can sometimes imagine.

Be aware to always say what you want and express yourself to people. Trust that those you care about will hold those feelings close to their heart and not betray it. Sometimes hearing an honest and sincere word from a friend or family member can really light up your day.

The right one

A good friend of mine said something the other day that I found so simple, yet so profound at this point in my life. He said he is not sure if there is a right one, just the one that makes you feel right.

For me that resonates so loudly. I think in life I have been blinded by Disney Princes and the idea of happily every after follows me around like a black cloud. Instead of always thinking about how it should be, perhaps I need to realize maybe my ideal of what it should be is not really what would make me happy.

Taking the time lately to work on my emotional and physical health has opened my eyes to patterns that I have created. Things that I think in my head that are not always right or lead to the direction I should go.

I am not saying I want to get rid of the hopeless romantic that lives inside of me. The girl that loves flowers and doors being opened will always be there. I just realize that there are possibly some things I overlook that are more core. The inside of who a person is, the way they feel about life, parenting, and yes, even politics. That the flowers die, and sometimes they will not open the door for you, however at the end of the day, can you sit on the couch and talk about anything. I think being someones best friend is key. We always say friends first, but sometimes can get lost in the moment, and the excitement of it all.

I am not a pro by any means when it comes to relationship. I think that I am getting better though about knowing what I want and mostly what I need. I think my decisions are clearer, even if they are not always the easy ones. I sometimes feel they are for the best. I am learning to stick to my choices if I feel that they are right. Sometimes I will be proven wrong and that is okay, however I need to do the best thing at the moment for me.

Stand

Lyrics time. Today on the train, this song came on my ipod and the words just resonated for me right now. It is all about being strong and standing up. Sometimes life pushes us around, but it is then that we find how strong we are.

Stand: Rascal Flatts

You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless
Like you've lost your fight
But you’ll be alright
You’ll be alright

Chorus:
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you’ve had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand,
Then you stand


Life's like a novel
With the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon
With only one way down
Take what you're given before it's gone
Start holding on, keep holding on

Chorus:
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you’ve had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand,
Yeah then you stand.

Bridge:
Everytime you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place
Ooohhh

Chorus:
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you’ve had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand, Then you stand

Sunday

A very cold start to this day. I wonder how I survived in Massachusetts so long with this kind of weather. I guess it is a love affair that can not be explained.

I had an early band practice and thinking I might take a nap before family dinner at my moms. I get to see my nephew and it is exatly what I need today. He always makes me smile and will definitely bring some warmth and sunshine to this day.

Tomorrow it is back to the grind and another long work week. I can not really complain about that as I am lucky to have a job in this economy as so many have been laid off.

Anyway, I dont have much to say today, which is definitely a new thing for me. However sometimes silence says alot. Not sure what that is *laugh*.

Be good my friends

Decisions

It is never easy to make a tough decision. Sure we will have moments where we second guess ourselves. I feel I made the best choice for me and my life right now. I know it sucks to have to hurt someone you truly care for, however in the long run I would rather not hurt them more.

Sometimes even when we want something so much, it just will not work. You come to a crossroad and then you know that you have to make a decision on it.

It sucks, to put it blunt and lay it all out there. However with age comes wisdom and the strength to know what you have to do.

January 20th Thoughts

With Monday being the holiday all day long I kept thinking today was Monday. I hate that. Although at least when I finally realize it, I am happy knowing the week is going by quick.

Although is that a good thing. The days and weeks and months all go by so quickly. Sometimes I just want it all to slow down, instead of a 5 minutes to make a decision, I wish I had a whole day. However life does not always allow for time. We have to instead make the decisions we think are right. Follow your gut is what people say, although I have always been a person that thinks to much. I feel, and then I know what I should do, but I talk things through sometimes to much.

I guess I need to learn in life to go with how I feel, and not question it all the time. Time is all we have in life, however lets not waste it, lets make the right choices and allow our life to move forward.

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Let your life lightly dance on the edges of Time
like dew on the tip of a leaf.

Fly me to the moon

Okay, well maybe not the moon. However if it is warmer I am all for it! I just want to jump in my car and drive today. No destination in mind. I am just feeling that itch to stretch my legs, blare my music and sing at the top of my lungs. To discover a new breakfast place that has the BEST french toast. I want to climb to the top of a new mountain and see what it looks like from way up there. I want to stay at a B&B in the middle of Vermont and wake up to the sun peeking through the window and drink a cup of tea on a porch swing. I want to wander through cute stores that make there own jam, and try there homemade fudge. I want to end up in a dive bar with a good beer and a guy playing acoustic guitar in the corner and when I leave I know half the people at the bar and we all just had a sing along. Joe (the bartender of course) tells me to come back next time I find myself lost in his town. To get lost in a world of adventure, to have funny little stories to tell when I come back to reality.
Instead though, today I will dream of all this, and then when the next day is here that I can do it, I will hope in my car, put my shades on and drive.

********************************
"Across the wall of the world,
A River sings a beautiful song,
It says, come rest here by my side."

From "on the Pulse of Morning" by: Maya Angelou

Honey, Cigarettes and Burnt Onions

I approach the stairs to head down for my morning hello, There you are in the kitchen with your grapefruit. You always were so delighted to see me, even if you had 5 minutes ago. "Oh Tara" you would say "would you like me to make you some toast"
Then you would proceed to make me toast with butter, cut up bananas and honey drizzled over it. To this day it is still my comfort food and makes me remember you.
Is it really 14 years since I last saw your sweet face. How is it that time has passed by and it still feels like yesterday when you left this place. The one comfort I had after you passed Nana, was watching that dear man I call Grandad. Oh he seemed so lost after you left. I still remember the tenderness he had on the evening you passed away. How it touched my heart to watch him holding your hand, and broke it when I saw the tear pass down his cheek as he kissed your forehead. I never understood the love you had for each other til that moment. This strong and hard Irish man watching his angel drift away. The months after I learned how to love Grandad in a new way. I found his sarcasm only challenged mine. I still hear him say "when are you going to settle down and get married". He had a way about him, he would catch your eye and make a face. He always seemed to be taking things apart only to never put them back together. Also if you needed a penny, he had more then enough change to go around. What I mostly remember is the smell of cigarettes and the burnt onions in the frying pan, the sound of the kettle going off because you could not hear it. How he used to have this full belly laugh that just made me laugh even harder. He had a sweetness about him, even though he liked to hide it under that tough Carpenter from Ireland demeanor it was there. Oh he could be infuriating, and yet at the end of the day I just wanted to wrap my arms around him in a big hug. Oh how I would give anything to have you make my toast again Nana, to write with you in the living room and share my dreams like we used to, and Grandad to hear you laugh, and harass me again would make my day. I hear that your causing alot of trouble up there in heaven. I hope there that you can play the fiddle again, and Nana, you have your badminton racket out again. I can still smell your sweet perfume and will never forget how soft your cheek felt against mine when we hugged. I am blessed to have had amazing grandparents that were characters to no end, but taught me love and made me realize that the one thing that matters at the end of the day is loving each other. That simple joys can be found in honey, and a pen and piece of paper.

*****************************************

Honey, Cigarettes and Burn onions
Some of my best memories.

Think before you act

I think a lesson can be learned from recent events in my life is we all need to think before acting. I believe in living a life of true honesty, and that means being true to how I feel. I feel that I give my friends the truth, I have not been so good about it over the years and have really made an effort to be more upfront.

Recently this year that has been tested ALOT. Unfortunately not everyone can take the truth, and sometimes can be hurt by it and not truly understand that you are trying to help them out of love.

I believe that I have been a great friend. I am always been there when they need me and always 100% supportive of all they are going through, whether I fully understand it or not. It is sad that things said out of love and support get turned against you and you feel that not saying anything would have been better. That is not a good feeling. Truth in life and in friendship is what I will always strive for. I will own it when I do something wrong, and I will listen when others see me spiraling out of control. This is what a GREAT friend does, tells us, and then helps us and lifts us up.

Sadly life has many twist and turns, and I can not change what happens, I can just deal with it and move on.

Shoe Love

Now, I know this may sound absolutely crazy, as we are in such a bad economical state right now, the last thing I should be talking about is my new found love of shoes. I think it come in part from my diet and excercise plan that I am on now. I think I detest buying cloths so much right now that I have fallen in love with how a beautiful shoe looks on my foot. I had some GC's from Christmas and that in my book means I can buy whatever I want. So I purchased a few delightful pairs of shoes. However I have not worn them yet. I can not bear to bring them out into the slush and ice layers that have infested our walkways and roads. I think I might break a pair in tomorrow night if the weather is not to bad.

Anyway, it is a simple pleasure for me right now. At least I know when I reach my weight loss goal I will have great shoes.

Stolen from the lovely Sarah (who borrowed from Amy): Love Letters

(lovely amy over at doobleh-vey)

"Someday I want to hold a letter writing workshop and travel the country in a silver Airstream and show people how delicious is is to write love letters again.I love texts and little words floating in and out of computers, but the sound of pen to paper makes me most delirious. The way letters bend and sparkle across a page cannot be rivaled by even the greatest font foundry. The way "I love you" looks in bold black sharpie or the backwards wonky letters of a preschooler can buckle my knees and break my heart...
Write letters.
Love Letters."

How amazing is that. I mean really! I love that. I remember before all this crazy internet stuff, I used to always send cards and letters. I used to write poetry on paper and actually journal on paper too. Where did those days go.

I vow to write more letters, more cards, and in general get back to the bare bones of communication.

Just think how lovely it would be to receive a card from someone you see maybe every week or have not heard from in a while

The future

What does it hold for me? Some days it is so clear and other days it seems to elude me, like the sun hiding behind the clouds. Will all my dreams come true, or will they be replaced by new dreams?

New Days ahead and the complexity of my mind

I really do think sometimes I tend to think too much. I have been better about not doing that. However I do realize there are certain times I should think more.

Life is full of changes this year, and I have done so much internal thinking the past week it is crazy. Work, life, love, family, all things that are on my mind. The New Year started off with a bang, some of it not good, but all of it worked out in the end.

Friends come and go, and I find that the older I get the people I want in my life are the ones that are not afraid to be honest and people that will tell you when your being an idiot, or when you do something hurtful. Also true friends will recognize when they have hurt you or done something wrong, own it and you can move on. Life is about being as naked as you can be, purity and honesty go a long way with me. Learning to let go of those that can not see that is a hard truth. It is sad, but when I know that I have done the best with being as open as I can, and doing it all out of love, only to have it come crashing down on me is really not good for me.

I hope this year brings us all wonderful surprises, however for those of us that will have to deal with some changes that we are not always happy about, I hope we can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I hope this year will be a great one for me personaly, and possibly bring some great changes. Who knows what is in store, but that is what makes it all such an amazing journey.

Be good to each other.