Because I can

I can do anything I put my mind to, I just sometimes choose not to. Why? That is a question I ask myself alot. Why do I sell myself short, why do I avoid all the things I should be doing, or I could be doing to make my life even better. I think we all know the answer to this. It is this HUGE fear of failure. We all have it, it follows us around like a cloud. Its the voice that says "Tara, you know that you are not smart enough to do that, so why try". The side of you that believes gets bombarded by these negative thoughts and we allow it to keep us from our true potential.

I think many times during the day why I am not accomplishing certain things in my life that I desire. I think now I am just truly trying to find the right way to approach getting over those negative thoughts.

It is the same in all areas of my life. Working out, eating, dating. I know I can lose the weight, it just takes discipline, it is only a little bit of extra weight, but it is a crutch. I know I can eat healthier, but MAN does that cookie look good, I will start tomorrow. I know I am a woman of worth and should date men that can truly value me as a whole, however sometimes I feel I am not good enough. Time to conquor some of these fears, learn to rise about them and to take control of my choices and my actions.

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"If my mind can conceive it, and my heart can believe it, I know I can achieve it.” - Jesse Jackson

In Memory: Jill Moran (Collins)

Last night was the wake for Jill Moran. Jill was a 43 year old mother to four children under the age of 13 and amazing wife To Chris Moran. I met Jill when I was 14 years old. I was involved in a camp in high school and she was on the staff. Jill was the most joyful person that I have ever met to date. She had this smile that was contagious, her eyes would sparkle and her laughter could make any ones day. You could not be around her and not be thankful for every moment. Unfortunately I had not seen Jill in years, however she was the kind of person that you never forget. When you hear her name you would smile and remember a moment. For me I remember vividly toilet papering her house when I was in high school. Chris and her has just moved in and it was a tradition that you had to do something to someones house to christian it. It was a great night and she just laughed at the whole thing.

I think last night what amazed me the most was the love that her husband had in his eyes. He said to me that he was lucky to be married to her and have his best friend around. He was saying that it always amazed him how at the end of the day he used to still get excited coming home to her, and he would kiss and hug her as much as he could. To see that kind of amazing love really touched my heart. Also made me realize that is what I am holding out for as well.

The man lost his best friend and mother to his children, however feels blessed to have had the time to love her.

Rest in Peace Jill, your spirit will be missed by all who's path you crossed in life. However it will not be forgotten. You were a gift to this earth. Your children will grow up to be a reflection of you.

Friday and the first day of spring

Oh how I love Fridays, don't you? But today is also the first day of spring. I love that word.. spring. It just makes me want to take my shoes off and walk through the grass in my barefeet. To bad it is in the 30s today. *laugh*

Well bring on the sun. Come on, I dare you. I want to see the leaves bud and flowers bloom. I want to know that on a Saturday afternoon I can eat brunch outside and truly forget what the inside of my apartment looks like.

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It was one of those March days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold: when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade.
~ Charles Dickens

The Pursuit of anything

Is always a winding road. Sometimes there are detours, stop signs, and then there is always the yeild to incoming traffic. We can chose to walk, ride, drive, but that road is always there, it separates us from where we are and where we want to be. The distance can be a few blocks to thousands of miles. The directions are sometimes great and other times our GPS has us going all over the place. There are pit stops along the way for food, restrooms and those random stores or sites we just have to see. At the end though, we do reach our final destination and find that it was absolutely worth the ride.

This strange new feeling

I definitely have to say, that I have never felt this way. I am so calm and so relaxed about life. Most people in my life know me pretty well as I have a close group of friends. They know me to be extremely analytical. I am always thinking or worrying about something. I tend to overanalyze things to death, to the point of ruining things sometimes. However lately I have a sense of peace about it all.

Also lately when I find myself freaking out about something or over analyzing it, I have different ways that I stop doing it. It is amazing how good it feels to kind of just let things happen. Sure we need answers from time to time, but lately when I give it time, normally the answer makes itself known.

This is a totally different place for me to be. However I have never felt such a sense of peace about my life and my path. I also feel blessed that as bad as the world seems and the economy crashing around us that I can feel this way.

Lets hope this trend in my life continues.

Bring on the dress

So, normally I look at my horroscopes just for laughs. We all know they are not true, alas today I read one that was more of a common sense one to me.

It reads:

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride (or groom). Maybe you'll never get married, so what? Stop obsessing on it. You'll talk yourself into a negativity frenzy if you don't lay off yourself. Better of being ever single than committing for the wrong reasons.

That is so great, as this week has been one where I am actually good being single. I know, some of my girlfriends are laughing at this point, however it is SO true. Now don't misunderstand me, I want to have a man in my life. However the RIGHT man. I dont want to keep going after the wrong ones. I also dont want to keep making dating mistakes.

I have had some wonderful men in my life, and some that have not been so wonderful in the long run. I am now ready to be 100% myself and own my life, and I think that opens a totally new door for the right man to walk in.

Lets just say I am happy with who I am, and where I am heading in life. If a wonderful man decides to join this journey! Well he is more then welcome, if he can keep up *laugh*

Seriously, He's just not that into you

OKAY! So I did it. I saw the movie a few weekends ago with some friends, and I found myself cringing at some of the things I learned. I gave in and I bought the book and literally read it in a day and a half.

I have fallen victim to many of the things in the book and it made me sad, but also made me more self aware then I have ever been. It brought clarity to the patterns that I have seen in my dating life.

The truth is if he is not calling you, not calling in advance to make plans, and just acting really laid back about it all, he is *gulp* just not that into you. I know, many of you are thinking, I am a great catch, why is he not that into you *laugh*. Well I have unfortunately always thought I was the exception to the rule, but I am in fact the rule.

I am worth the effort and I am worth having someone put that extra time into. I feel that I give back more then they could imagine when I feel that I am being treated the way I deserve. I let myself be a bit of a doormat, and I make the excuses i.e. His last gf was a real jerk and hurt him, so he just needs time or He has a hard time opening up, I just need to be patient. Well the truth is we have all been hurt, I have had my fair share of cry sessions on the phone with my friends. We need to leave the past where it is or else we lose out on what could be a wonderful moment in our lives.

At the end of the day if someone thinks you are worth the time and effort they will do it. If they think spending time with you is important, they will make sure they get on your calendar.

I know some of this may sound bitchy, however I think at the end of the day, I dont get the effort I feel I put in. I lay it all on the line when I really like someone, and I think that in return, I should spend my time with someone that will lay it all on the line for me.

I am worth it, and the right man will know that someday! :)