I stalk your lives online, I want what you have. I see the
profile pic of you and your baby, or husband, or fiancee. I see your engagement
pictures, your post about your wedding day and pictures of the happy bride and
groom, your babies growing in your bellies, and then growing up and how they
change. I hear about the love you have as families. I yearn for that. I want
that. Yes, I post about my family, pictures of me enjoying my niece and
nephews, my friends and I having fun. I am happy. I have a wonderful life. But my
heart wants what you have. I long to hold hands with a man I am in love with,
to someday see him get on one knee and ask me to marry him. I want to post
pictures of when he asked, I yearn to have the cute engagement pictures, post
about my wedding day, to feel a life grow inside me. I want it so much at times
the pain is so intense. People ask me why I am single, why I am not married,
why I do not have kids. These questions only make it hurt more.
The beautiful thing is I have peace. I believe in a God that
loves me, that wants only the best for me in my life. I am learning more
everyday to trust him and know that his ways are not my ways. I know that he
knows the desires of my heart. I also have learned that he does answer prayers,
although not always the way we want them to be answered. For a long time I
followed what I wanted, I did things that made me feel good. I also looked for
love in all the wrong places. I am not going to say I have not dated some great
men, I have, but I have dated a lot of the wrong men too. But all of that is in
the past. I have looked to physical things to make me feel loved. I thought I
have been in love. I am not sure that is the case now. I am not sure I have
ever known what love really is. I know that the truest love I have felt however
is the love that comes from God, that is a love that I understand, it is
tangible to me. I have seen his love in so many areas of my life. He wants me
to come even closer to him, to trust him, to give him my whole heart. So I seek
him more every day, I yearn to hear his word, to share his love.
My life, my journey has led me back to this one truth – God is
love. It is as simple and as complex as that and I am thankful for that every day.
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