What I want

I stalk your lives online, I want what you have. I see the profile pic of you and your baby, or husband, or fiancee. I see your engagement pictures, your post about your wedding day and pictures of the happy bride and groom, your babies growing in your bellies, and then growing up and how they change. I hear about the love you have as families. I yearn for that. I want that. Yes, I post about my family, pictures of me enjoying my niece and nephews, my friends and I having fun. I am happy. I have a wonderful life. But my heart wants what you have. I long to hold hands with a man I am in love with, to someday see him get on one knee and ask me to marry him. I want to post pictures of when he asked, I yearn to have the cute engagement pictures, post about my wedding day, to feel a life grow inside me. I want it so much at times the pain is so intense. People ask me why I am single, why I am not married, why I do not have kids. These questions only make it hurt more.

The beautiful thing is I have peace. I believe in a God that loves me, that wants only the best for me in my life. I am learning more everyday to trust him and know that his ways are not my ways. I know that he knows the desires of my heart. I also have learned that he does answer prayers, although not always the way we want them to be answered. For a long time I followed what I wanted, I did things that made me feel good. I also looked for love in all the wrong places. I am not going to say I have not dated some great men, I have, but I have dated a lot of the wrong men too. But all of that is in the past. I have looked to physical things to make me feel loved. I thought I have been in love. I am not sure that is the case now. I am not sure I have ever known what love really is. I know that the truest love I have felt however is the love that comes from God, that is a love that I understand, it is tangible to me. I have seen his love in so many areas of my life. He wants me to come even closer to him, to trust him, to give him my whole heart. So I seek him more every day, I yearn to hear his word, to share his love.

My life, my journey has led me back to this one truth – God is love. It is as simple and as complex as that and I am thankful for that every day.

The definition of trust

What is on my mind today? So many things, mostly trust. Trust is defined as the assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something. Very simply put it is being able to fully believe in who a person is and knowing that what they present to you is authentic. I have been having issues with that word lately and how it is played out in my life currently. I am a very trusting person, probably to a fault. I am first to believe the good in people and accept that they would be nothing but trustworthy. However I have learned in my life through many instances that I cannot trust that way, that I need to sometimes have a bit of a guard. I struggle with what that means right now. I am not sure what part of who I am needs to shift in regards to how I think and feel. Do I just start not trusting someone at first and let them earn it, or do I continue to trust someone until they prove me to be wrong. Alternately, what do I do if I have given trust to someone and then something they do breaks that trust. Can I find the strength to put it behind me and move forward to learn to trust them again, or do I keep a guard up thinking that they will do it again? These are definitely some questions that I am having right now. As of now I believe that you have to forgive in order to move forward, however if you feel you can't then the only action is to walk away from the situation. I am choosing to move forward for now but to do so with my eyes fully open. I believe you need to learn mostly in this situation to trust your instinct and your judgement. You will know when someone is not being honest (at least I hope) and if you can learn to trust that feeling you can move forward with a bit more confidence.

Time will tell if deciding to move forward was a good thing. Sometimes you just need to take chances and see what happens.

Merry Merry

I know it has been a long time since my last blog. BAD GIRL! Well here I am, it is December 16th and I should be all Merry Merry, Fa la la la, but I am not truly in the holiday spirit this year. Don't get me wrong I am allowing the positive to shine through, however I am having a harder time doing that this year. I came into work after a wonderful Thanksgiving with my amazing family to find out that I was losing my job. I work for a start up so these things can happen, I was just not expecting it. I think the hardest part was that I truly love where I am working and the people I am working with. It is really daunting thinking about interviewing again and looking to find a place that will be as close to a good fit as I have had in my current position. I know it is possible, it is just all a tad overwhelming right now.

I think though that I am in a good place emotionally to be able to put it all in perspective. There is that old and oh so annoying saying "Everything happens for a reason" and funny enough I truly do believe that. I know that what is happening right now is mean to be, that this is a hurdle I will have to overcome and it could be a time for me to figure it all out.

Stay tuned!

The Joys of Dating

An email like this is what makes dating such a pain in the tosh! After letting a guy I had been on one date with (yes, you heard that right, only one date) know I was not interested or at least not in the level he was, I got this response:

"Ah yes.... Grass is greener syndrome.... Always something better out there... Why date a nice guy in front of you if there is someone better out there... It's a lonely existence because there is ALWAYS someone better. If you are not ready for something serious... Maybe a "friendship" website would be better for you than a "dating" website.... Just saying...

If you are not sure what you want, then why waste your time and guys time and I wish you hadn't wasted mine.

By the way... You drank too much on the first date and you were overly obnoxious by the end of the night at the bar.... I took it as nerves and was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt...
I had fun, but you are too flighty. Best of luck.... I think....
Your loss sweetheart!
:-)"

Wow, talk about all over the place. Let me address a few things in his response. First of all I had exactly two glasses of wine, one with dinner and one at the bar after. Me being obnoxious was my outgoing personality and joking with the bartender. Now most that know me, know that I am a goof, and sometimes a bit off color. I am used to socializing because I sing in a band and am always interacting with people. It is really humorous to me how when someones feelings are hurt they can resort to saying mean things. At least I know that my feelings about him were spot on and that I am lucky it was only one date. Aren't I so lucky that he wanted to "give me the benefit of the doubt". Wow what a charming man! The sad part is if I responded with wanting to go out with him again he would have been more then happy to go out with me again. This is a guy that was texting everyday and would even text 4 times in a row without any response from me. I think perhaps I need to not be so nice and just say. Thank you, but no thank you and move on a lot faster.

Fall into life

It is your choice. Embrace life or constantly be in a battle with it. We are here for a limited amount of time, we never know the day our life might end. That is not meant as a negative, it simply means that we should chose to go the right way with our choices. What is right? No one can tell you what is right for you or how you should feel, however we all know that when it comes to making a choice that there are normally two pretty solid choices. I just want to make the right choice even when it is the hard decision. A friend recently has come to a conclusion that one of her "friends" really isn't one. It is hurtful to find out that someone you cared about has no regard for your feelings and that the energy you had put into that friendship was not and will never be reciprocated. She could lash out nasty or she could be the bigger person and move forward. She is choosing to move forward. That is not always the easiest to do, and I applaud her for it. I am not sure I could do the same thing. Sometimes we have to bite the bullet and know that no amount of what we say to someone will change their actions toward us. At the end of the day it is a ride, and we have to enjoy it. It will get us nowhere being miserable. I don't live with no regrets, I have regrets. Having regrets is not a bad thing, I think we learn to move forward and try not to repeat those moments. This is the journey you have been put on and never take it for granted.

Time goes by fast

I know it had been a month since my last blog. I guess time just goes by so fast and there are times I just really do not know what to write on here. I am going through what I think is a great stage. It is a stage that comes with lots of different emotions, which equal some sad days, but overall I am happy, and content and finally getting that working on ME is my number one priority. Learning to fully accept the person I am and knowing that those that are in my life love who I am, even with my quirks although it is not as easy as I thought it would be. It has become my daily goal to feel good about the person I am and what I offer to the world around me. I am learning to focus on what I truly need and not so much what I want. Taking the time to appreciate where I am and know that perhaps the things I have been fighting so badly to have keep me from truly recognizing all the things that I do have. We all hear the cliches that are out there on when you are not looking for something is when it happens. Well I have to agree with that one, because I am always looking and wondering and it keeps me from really embracing the now. The power of my life as it is today. What keeps me from moving forward with true acceptance of the women I have become? These are all daily questions and I am in a mode of self renewal and some really good soul searching. I am trying to learn to be more open, to discover what is out there that I may have overlooked and to just for once ask me what I want in my heart, what will make me feel fully present and aware in my life. I am loving this outlook and it has already made me look at certain things with a new pair of eyes. More to come as I move forward on this path.

“We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.”

This little guy brings me back to reality and reminds me that I am blessed to have such an amazing, caring and sweet Nephew. I love this little guy with all of my heart! Sometimes I feel like it is going to burst it is so full!

Life moves so quickly sometimes. I look around and friends get married, have children, then you are at there children's first birthday parties. I don't think it really hit me how fast things were moving until my best friend got pregnant, and then it hit me like a ton of bricks when she gave birth to them a few weeks ago. She had twins, and they were early (were not due until late September), so they were little peanuts and they have had to be in the NICU to get the proper care they need. I went to visit them last Sunday and it was so amazing to see how those tiny little bodies curled up on there mom and dads chests. She was blessed with a boy and a girl, so in essence she has the perfect little family. Ronan Kye and Adaira Skye were born on August 16th and Heather and Matt's worlds changed forever. It is amazing to me how two precious babies can completely change your life. To see them with there babies is heartwarming and to hear Matt talking to his daughter is such a beautiful thing. I look at Heather in such a new light. She is a mom now, her priorities completely changed. I miss her a bit right now, I am not going to lie, we can't have our phone conversations every few days like we did before because she is dedicated almost every moment to what is going on with the babies. I am looking forward to heading up there next Friday to stay over and spend sometime with her and the twins. It will be great for her and I to have some time to connect.

I am also not going to say there is not a big part of me that feels left out a tad as I am not anywhere near being a mother myself. However if I look at this in a positive way, I have lots of time to practice and learn from those around me. I sit back and wonder what it will be like someday when I have a child of my own, how I am going to be pregnant and what bringing life into this world will be like. I can only imagine from all those that I have seen that is it something there are not words for.

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"The soul is healed by being with children."

Oh Baby!

My best friend is currently in labor with her first children. She is having twins and I am beside myself giddy and nervous etc. I cannot wait to meet those precious little ones. Of course I will have to wait at least until the weekend as they brought her all the way to Portland, Maine as both hospitals closer to her did not have room in the NICU. So that really stinks, but it is probably best that I give it to the weekend, I am sure it will be nuts for a bit there. But can I just say YAY BABIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It has been awhile

Yes, I know it had been awhile since I have blogged. It is funny, I find that I have a lot to say but when I sit in front of this screen sometimes I don't know where to start, and then I stare blankly at the screen, type a few sentences and then delete what I just wrote. It seems that I get writers block because all of the thoughts in my head get all jumbled together and I am not sure what I want to talk about. I know my thoughts jumbled? CRAZY huh! :)

Lately I have been feeling lots of different emotions. Mostly I do feel blessed to have a job that I truly enjoy and to be surrounded by great friends and family. I am not going to lie and say there isn't something missing. I do feel a void of companionship and the longing to share my life with someone. Although it has changed this past few months where I do appreciate being single. It allows me time to become more self aware. I feel I am learning a lot about who I am lately. It is not all good as I am not perfect, but it all helps me to define better who I am and what I need in my life. I know that the outcome of taking the time I need and not just jumping into a relationship because I am lonely is a good thing. I am looking for more this time around. I just want to keep enjoying each day as it comes and being open to what will be. I want to always see my cup as half full and not always be wanting for what I do not have. It will all come in good time and when it is supposed to. I have a full and amazing life, and I am beyond thankful!


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“Eventually all the pieces fall into place….until then, laugh at the confusion, live for the moment, and know that everything happens for a reason.”

“Understand that the right to choose your own path is a sacred privilege. Use it. Dwell in possibility.” ~ Oprah Winfrey

I normally do not like the clique that is tied to an Oprah quote, but another blogger that I follow had posted this and for some reason today it resonated with me loudly. The right to chose your path.. a very interesting phrase in itself, but then you add on that it is a sacred privilege and that makes it seem all that more of a strong statement. You have the freedom to chose this path in life, the one that you walk along, sure we do not always have control over the things that can deviate us from the path, however we have the choice to follow it. This is amazing to me that we are living in a world where we have the freedom. Not everyone can look at that quote and fully agree or relate with it. There are cultures where you do not have that choice. We live in the United States and are truly blessed to be able to really own the meaning of choice. I love that, and I love this quote today!

Hot days are here

Summer has officially hit, the hot weather the past few days has been crazy, and the sun has been shining. It is here and if we blink we will probably miss it. I went to the beach yesterday with my lovely friend Crystal and it was so nice to be outside and enjoying the weather. I made sure I reapplied sunblock every 30 minutes and only got one tiny area sunburned, I must have missed it or the water washed it away. However I am so proud that my first beach day did not result in a sunburn where I could not move for days. I don't need a tan that bad that I let myself burn. I am looking forward to a full summer. I just love being able to be outside all the time. If I don't enjoy it before I know it we will be knee deep in snow again. Ugh, just the thought kills me. I do love the seasons however so I will take it!

Blue Mood

I don't know where my head is this week. Lots of thoughts are running through my head. I feel kind of stuck in a strange funk. Could it be turning 35 this week that has me in a bit of a mood. I am sure that is part of it. I have been doing a lot of thinking about the past and decisions I have made. I am not having regrets, because I really do believe it is what has made me who I am today. I just feel myself drawn back to certain moments in my life, and people from my past. I am analyzing a lot of how things went and taking time to soul search and perhaps work on how I deal with things and mainly my emotions and reactions when dealing with things. I think we are always evolving who we are and who we want to be. I definitely have been looking into how I process things and also how I deal with certain situations. I am stubborn and that is something I admit fully, although I still have a hard time learning how to not be. I will hold back thoughts and feelings and not express how I feel until it hits a boiling point and that is not healthy. I always thought I was a good communicator, however perhaps we all think we are. I need to focus on making that better moving forward. I am lucky though, I have the ability to look above this funk and know that it will pass. I just have to power through this blue moment and know that I will be better when I come out of it.

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That's one of the peculiar things about bad moods - we often fool ourselves and create misery by telling ourselves things that simply are not true.
David D. Burns

Words

I want to write words. Words that make people think, smile, laugh. Words that engage people in conversations that they normally would not have had. Words that allow people to grow and see a side of themselves they never have before. Words that inspire and fill peoples hearts with joy. Words that allow people to cry happy tears. I don't want to engage in negative words, I do not want to hurt people with words, or use words to make them feel less then who they truly are. Words should teach us, lead us and bring us to a place of peace. I want to love the words that I put out into this world and hope that those words come back to me in love. Words are powerful and I want to use them in a positive way. I want words to heal me, teach me patience and allow me to be a better part of what makes this world turn.

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Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace.
~ Buddha

Take these

Take these beautiful memories
use them when days are dark and you feel like you can't breathe
Take this laughter
release it when you can't seem to find yours

Remember the music
When the silence in your heart is deafening
Believe in tomorrow
When today is just to much to bare

Listen to the wind
It is a reminder that everything will pass someday

~ TF

Perfection

"He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold on to him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break.

Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you."

— Bob Marley

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I saw this on another blog I follow and I found it so utterly true and even though it is something that logically makes sense and is obvious it is nice to read as a reminder. I am not in love right now, nor am even I close to being in love, but I want to always remember when I do find a beautiful soul to give my love to that there is no perfect person. I like to say that I want to find a man that finds perfection in my imperfections. There is something to what my Nana always told me when she spoke of unconditional love and that in that lies the secret to being able to be with someone and give yourself completely. I don't want to change the man I love someday, I want to celebrate our differences and adore each other in spite of the things that are not always so great. Isn't there something to be said for being with someone that makes you want to be better, but loves you right where you are?

Be Happy

"Happiness comes of the capacity to feel deeply, to enjoy simply, to think freely, to risk life, to be needed."

As she looked at the rain falling outside, she wished for the sun. The way it would sneak in and flood her bedroom with natural light in the morning. It did not matter if her blinds were closed, it always found a way to gently touch the room. The way that no matter how she felt in her heart, when she walked into that light it would make her feel alive. Something about the way it touched her face allowed her to breathe deeper, to embrace the day and whatever was going to come her way. The simplicity of a sunny day, there would never be anything that amazed her more. However on the rainy days she is also reminded of how we sometimes need the rain to make things new. That the rain was there to clean things off, so that when the sun did shine again we would realize the beauty once again. Sometimes all we need is a quick thunderstorm to usher in and other times it takes a three day rainstorm. However when it passes we feel renewed and ready to conquer all that comes are way. She smiled and walked out into the rain and splashed in the puddles knowing that the sun always shines again.

Be yourself

Oh how I love Dr. Suess. Little did I know when loving his books as a child I would realize just how much wisdom he had!

Raindrops keep fallin...

"Don't threaten me with love, baby. Let's just go walking in the rain."
~ Billie Holiday