Lent, and giving more

Yesterday was a start of a very special time for Christians. It was Ash Wednesday and that starts the lenten season. Of course it is also when many will give something up. I thought long and hard about what to give up. However I kept coming back to the fact that for me it is not hard to give something up, it is harder for me to dedicate to the things I want to commit too.

So instead of giving up this year, I decided to give more. I am going to do the following things:

1. Work out for at least 30 minutes everyday.

This does not matter what I do, as long as I do something for 30 minutes everyday. Keeping my commitment to losing weight and getting in better shape mentally and physically.

2. To finally find a church and make a conscious effort to go once a week

I need to fill the void of spirituality that I am feeling in my life. I want to find a church were I feel that my soul is being fed.

3. To make even more of an effort to be aware of my surroundings, i.e. people who may need a door held open, or a bag carried. Simple things.

This means that I want to not walk around like where I am going is the only thing that matters. I want to be aware of all that is around me and make an effort to notice others around me as well.

4. To be more organized in my day to day life. Especially around my apartment

This means, put cloths away RIGHT after laundry, clean the dishes sooner then I do, keep up on things so I dont have to spend a day doing a big cleaning. This is hard to do when you live alone. When I shared space I found it easier to always keep things organized. I want to make that a priority. No relaxing til things are done. Once I get in the habit I know it will be easy in time.

I hope we all remember whether we believe in these rituals or not that spring is a wonderful time of renewal, the weather changes and the grass gets green, flowers start to grow and everything seems brighter. It is always a good time to take a step back and look at who we are and redefine the things that we want to work on or change.

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One thing that never ceases to amaze me, along with the growth of vegetation from the earth and of hair from the head, is the growth of understanding.

~ Alice Walker

Night out with my mom

This weekend ended on a really special note. I had got my mother tickets to see Emmy Lou Harris in concert for Christmas. My mother used to listen to her when I was a little girl and I would always hear her singing along. Part of the reason I am so muscial, is my mother always had the record player or tape player going with some form of music, be it celtic or country. I remember dancing around the kitchen and pretending I was this famous singer. I knew when I saw this concert announcement I had to take my mother. It was such a wonderful night. I took her out to a nice dinner near us, and then we headed in, even the rain could not stop us. She was like a kid in a candy store when we got there.

The seats at the Orpheum are ridiculous and you basically can not move because your knees touch the seat in front of you. However once the show started, neither of us even thought about it. It was Emmy Lou Harris with Patty Griffin and Shawn Colvin. The had a semi cirle on the stage and it was all acoustic. From the first song with solid harmonies, we were hooked. It was magical, and as my mother said it was rejuvenating. I felt close to tears sometimes not only by there passion when they sang, but the lyrics. The joy on my mothers face during the concert and after when she hugged me and thanked me for taking her made my heart feel full. Those who know me understand that my mother is my best friend. I would be nothing without her. She has shown me strength and perserverance. She is not afraid to show me tough love, and also never fails to let me know just how proud of me she is.

I will cherish last night as another very special memory between my mother and I. She is my rock. I am humbled to have her in my life.

Stolen Moment

I want to wrap you in my arms
I want to steal you from your world
For just a moment and let you see the other side and its beauty

I want to hold your gaze
Let you see what is inside of my soul
Without words, until you don’t know where my thoughts end and yours begin

I want to kiss your lips
Until we forget the day and the time
And the only sound we can hear are our hearts beating to the same rhythm

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02/09 - TF

Car Crash

Okay, It is lyrics time.

Love this song and the lyrics are just wonderful. It is by Matt Nathanson.

"Car Crash"

I'm wide awake and so alive
Ringing like a bell
Tell me this is paradise
And not someplace I fell
'Cause I keep on fallin' down

I wanna feel the car crash
I wanna feel the capsize
I wanna feel the bomb drop, the earth stop
'Til I'm satisfied
I wanna feel the car crash
'Cause I'm dyin' on the inside
I wanna let go and know
That I'll be alright, alright

Just push me 'til I have to fly
I've shed my skin, my scars
Take me deep out past the lights
Where nothing dims these stars
Nothing dims these stars

I wanna feel the car crash
I wanna feel the capsize
I wanna feel the bomb drop, the earth stop
'Til I'm satisfied
I wanna feel the car crash
'Cause I'm dyin' on the inside
I wanna let go and know
That I'll be alright, alright

So right
It's all wrong

I'm wide awake and so alive

I wanna feel the car crash
I wanna feel the capsize
I wanna feel the bomb drop, the earth stop
'Til I'm satisfied
I wanna feel the car crash
'Cause I'm dyin' on the inside
I wanna let go and know
That I'll be alright, alright

Speechless

I sat down last night to blog, and nothing. For the first time I feel that I have nothing to blog about. Not that my mind is not going in so many different direction, but perhaps I have so much going on I dont even know where to begin.

I had an interesting weekend. A weekend that made me evaluate once again my life and decisions. Do I over react, expect things to go a certain way instead of just letting them happen. Perhaps! I know I overanalyze alot, I guess I just want to have some control over my life. I know that is crazy, because none of us have control over anything really.

Am I sorry for ways I have reacted? I guess that is a loaded question. I think things happen for a reason. I am not sure if I want to say I regret things I have done. I hope that they allow me to react different next time. I am a passionate and emotional person and I tend to sometimes act on my feelings, be it disappointment, anger, sadness, anxiety. I know that is not always best, but sometimes you can not see the forest through the trees. That is life. It happens. I guess we hope that the people in our lives, the ones that really care about us, can see through that, and meet us halfway sometimes.

I expect those that are truly in my life for a reason to call me on things, tell me when I overreact or treat them a certain way. Sometimes my pride gets in the way, but I welcome the ones that really want me in there lives to call me out, tell me I was wrong.

I dont want to live my life with my fears that come from my past. I want a clean road to the future I deserve. I dont want to leave casualties in my wake.

I guess sometimes I need to swallow my pride and say I was wrong. That is a lesson I am not sure I have learned yet. I am trying. I think for me I have a hard time forgiving myself for the mistakes in my past. I need to do that though, and move on with my life.

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“There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love.”